Dear Me aged 17 and 3/4

Hiya,

How's it going?

If you are reading this at 6.05pm on a Tuesday then I know I've interrupted Heartbreak High on BBC2 , I'm sorry! I was going to call but I know you unplug the phone so you aren't disturbed. Feel free to put this letter down and read it some other time, I just thought it would be nice to say hello to you from the Future.
You are now 36 years old and I'm sure to a 17 year old 36 sounds really old doesn't it? but it isn't. I honestly don't feel much different than you do now, the reflection may have changed a bit though. Yes I totally stole that line from the old lady in Titanic.

For instance you still love the Stone Roses, you still enjoy a wander around W.H.Smith in town to buy a new book. You're still sensitive, always think your right, and your mouth STILL gets you into trouble. I think it's best you just accept now that it's never going to change. However Heartbreak High is no longer your favourite TV show, you no longer wear an asthma inducing amount of CK One, nor wear Rimmels Heather Shimmer lipstick. Oh and you still can't drive, but don't worry the hedge in the village you drove through on your driving lesson? It did grow back OK, well it did eventually.
The main thing is,and I'm just going to come out and say it.......

Rachel you don't become an actress and marry Leonardo DiCaprio.

Sorry.

At 17 you probably think that being 36 brings with it a certain level of maturity, you know like throwing dinner parties, wearing sensible shoes, having pensions and generally just having all your shit together. Well at 36 yes you do have dinner parties of a fashion. I mean you have a kid now, your friends they all have kids now too so it's not so much an elegant little affair with candles and cocktails, It's more necking wine, eating, chatting, laughing and ignoring the fact that the kids are trampling crisps into the carpet upstairs.
However you still don't know what you want to be when you grow up, you still have an obsession with Spike from Buffy (is it the long leather coat perhaps)  You do have a pension but listen Mum was definitely lying when she says those ridiculous high heels you wear will give you bunions, they don't! She was just bitter about her's so carry on.
One warning though - if someone tells you to run quickly over a cobbled street in six inch wedges when you're pissed, DON'T! Your ankle will never be the same.

I really miss your innocence  though, the way you always saw the positive side to things, so carefree and laid back. I hate to say it but you are nothing like that now.The thing is certain things will happen that are completely and utterly out of your control, and they will somewhat chip away at those qualities. I wish I could tell you it won't hurt Rachel, that it won't be hard and it won't change a part of you forever but it does and I'm sorry. These things will also make you strong though, stronger than you or anybody else ever thought possible.
So Rachel I am writing this letter to you to give you some advice, some serious, some not so much.
I am sure as the stubborn, know it all that you are that you will ignore a lot of them, but if you could have a read and at least take some things on board I am of no doubt that some day, may be of help to you.

1. Stop plucking your eyebrows and dying your hair blonde with Sun-In. Seriously stop it NOW! 
No-one believes that overnight you went from a brunette with slugs across her forehead, to a platinum blonde who looks like she pencils her brows on. Styling yourself on Annaliese from Neighbours* is not a good idea. Mum is right your eyebrows never look the same and your hair really does take years to recover!

See a totally natural transformation which happened almost overnight......

2. Do not drink Drambuie at the Sixth form Christmas Party, you don't impress anyone by doing it you make yourself look like a complete tit, and yes everybody does talk about you behind your back.
And who the hell let you wear floor length sequins to a sixth form party?

Yuck the smell of Drambuie still makes you feel queasy 20 years later.

3. Don't put things off because you are scared of leaving your comfort zone, just go for it. You may hate it (Like when you tried going Veggie for one month) You may be crap at it (like driving) you may even make a massive fool of yourself ( LIPA audition) but you also may find it's something you are good at and and enjoy.
It's better to of tried and failed than never tried at all. 

4. Which brings me to LIPA. Do not lie on the application form about singing to a professional level just be honest. Don't be embarrassed to tell people either or show them how excited you are either, it is a big deal and you should be proud of it.
If you do insist on lying on the application form though, may I suggest some practice beforehand? No you really can't just get through it by belting out "There are Worse things I could do" from Grease with a smile and a Wonderbra. Don't let that put you off though, keep trying you will regret it otherwise.

5. Trying to end a relationship by ignoring phone calls and acting like a complete bitch, in the hope he'll do it for you is not the way to go about it. Please do it with kindness, he deserves it.

One day in the future karma will come back and bite you on the ass, big time.

6. This is very important. You know you have a bad feeling about the owner of that modelling agency in Manchester? Trust that feeling and leave, straight away.
In fact always always trust your gut instinct believe me when I say it hasn't been wrong yet.

7. Stop being so horrible to Mum because you have to move. Stop shouting at her, crying and refusing to speak to her, she really isn't doing it to ruin your life. It is hard for her too.
Be supportive, help her pack, have a cry together. She works so hard and it's not her fault, please appreciate her one day she'll be your best friend,

8. Take That get back together, and split up again. And get back together and then Robbie comes back and then leaves, again. By 2016 you're over it all to be honest. Oh and Gary is the hot one, seriously.

9. Stop worrying about your flat chest, ignore the pancake jokes because you boobs? They get bigger, much bigger without the need for a stupid boob job either. By 2016 your rack is quite simply magnificent, I'm not even ashamed to say it.

10. When you get your student loan do not do the following things with it:

• Waste it in Topshop and Warehouse - no that Chinese print dress will not be a 'classic' you'll wear forever, and you spill black ink all over the beige leather coat.
• Do not spend it on a hotel for a few nights because the heating and hot water went off in your student house.
• Do not spend it on black cabs instead of buses - you are very unlikely to be murdered on the bus in broad daylight.
•  Do not put your weekly foodshop on your M&S Chargecard - that doesn't class as an emergency and it take you years to pay off.

Maybe spend the money on you know rent, food, actual books for studying.

11. University - This is a hard one, on one hand I want you to stay, don't quit because you're homesick (in Liverpool ffs) just move home it isn't a big deal! And you will always, always, always regret not finishing your course. However by coming home you get to spend lots more time with your family than you have done in a long time, which is very very important.
There is no answer here I'll have to let you figure that one out for yourself.

12. You will get your heartbroken and it will hurt, it will hurt a lot. Have dignity, don't beg. You are worth more than that, always.
You will get over it and it actually makes you a better person - makes you realise a few things about yourself too. You do forgive and forget (no really) and move on.

13. That lad that you think is too quiet? Too nice and well, blonde? You know the one I mean? He thinks you're a cocky, gobby, well spoken hamster? Go on a date with him you might actually like him, never know he could turn out to be your soul mate :)

14. Do not lend out your only copy of your wedding video this  is very important! You forget who you lent it to and you won't get it back. If you do then at least make copies first! 

15. There is a weekend when you are almost 5 months pregnant and Dad rings you to invite you go somewhere, and you don't. PLEASE GO. I can not reiterate this enough GO. Hug him hard, tell him how much you love him, remember every single detail, 

16. Don't hold in your feelings, cry please just cry and cry lots. It won't hurt the baby and it causes you far greater damage in other ways further down the line.

17. Childbirth does hurt, Bloody liars.

18. DO NOT sell those matchbox cars for 2p and 5p at the car boot when you're a teenager!There is a reason the man gives you a £1 and tells you to keep the change and he wasn't doing it because he was nice. Git, you're still bitter about this 20 years later.

19. Give up Dairy sooner. You won't believe how much better you will feel!

20. Record Heartbreak High, you can't find the DVD's years later and it gets a bit awkward when your husband wants to know who's been googling Drazic on YouTube.

21. Invent YouTube.


So there we have it Rachel, a few words of wisdom that may help you to navigte the next 20 years. You know what even if you choose to ignore every single bit of advice given,  you still make it through OK

I really would try to invent YouTube though.

Rachel, 

Aged 36 and 3/4 

x

*Actual Annaliese from Neighbours. I didn't copy her wardrobe, but I did own this top.

Kids TV shows that I can watch without my eyes bleeding and those that I can't!

Let's be honest, Kids TV shows evoke two reactions when we see them switched on.

1 "Oh ffs not this crap again"

2 "Oh this is OK  I can watch it without my eyes bleeding or wanting to stab myself in the ear with a pen" 

Well it does with me anyway.
Of course Kids watch too much TV these days, mainly because it is everywhere
There aren't just 4 TV channels like there was when I was a kid, when children's TV was only on before or after school (if you were lucky) Or my personal favourite time to watch kids TV, on Saturday mornings. God I mourned the loss of Going Live for such a long time. Nowadays there are channels and channels dedicated to kids TV, and its on 24 hours a day.
Thanks to Sky Plus we can also have a planner full of Operation Ouch episodes and Austin and Ally, so you never have to miss a second, and all these shows are available on tablets, Iphones, Ipads, laptops, YouTube so there's just no escaping it however much you try.

Obviously it's up to us as parents to monitor how much they watch, and what they watch, and I do try. However I'm not going to sit here and tell you my little angel is only allowed 30 minutes a day, because although that is what I always say to myself (and I do say it every single morning) It simply never happens. I also think so much pressure is put on our children at school these days, with after school clubs, homework, and with the change to the SATS it's only going to get worse, they need downtime.
Seren especially needs to unwind, she can sometimes find School difficult, so when she gets home it's her safe haven. It's where she feels she can let off steam, where she needs to relax and to be herself.
If she wants a snack and some TV time? Then that is OK with me.

A Mum's guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

With the return of The Walking Dead this week after THAT cliffhanger (Don't be Abe please don't be Abe) it's got me thinking about my own Zombie apocalypse plan. I mean everyone has one don't they it's not just me? Oh it is just me.

OK well If you don't love your children enough  don't have one or don't want to prepare for the Zombie apocalypse then that's fine you can also apply this plan to surviving Kids Soft play, because let's face it it's kind of the same thing. A lot of manic running around, snarling, screaming and biting each other in a tense and sweaty atmosphere. You survive on what you can gather quickly, and that just might have to be overpriced quavers, fruit shoots or coffee. Everybody shuffles around with a slightly dead look behind the eyes just wishing for it all to be over quickly.

Not an actual picture from kids soft play by the way...

I first realised my need to prepare for such an event a couple of years ago after our Village suffered a 24 hour power cut, our daughter quite simply fell apart.
At one point she was found wandering from room to room wistfully stroking various electrical items and clutching her Ipad to her chest. Whimpering softly about how things would never be the same again. 

I think the electric had been off for less than an hour.

Yes I am sure there are some kids who are perfectly content to play with nothing more than a stick and a ball of wool, but just in case your kid aren't you know, cats, and do enjoy some of life's electrical wonders you may just feel my pain and need to prepare.

Now before you start hoarding water and buying stun guns  (I'll explain later) you need to be realistic about who in your family will step up in a Zombie apocalypse and who is going to be Zombie food within hours of it all going to shit. Then tailor make your plan around that, because you can't really leave any of them behind without looking a bit on the unreasonable side.

Let's look at my family for instance

My Mum
Well unless the Zombie apocalypse was all about her she probably wouldn't show any interest in it at all. If I rang to warn her she wouldn't believe me, she believes nothing unless she's heard it from her next door neighbour or the man at the Post Office who knows bloody everything.
The Zombie apocalypse would most certainly be all my fault somehow.
She'd spend a lot of the Zombie apocalypse complaining about them loudly and tutting at them but not actually doing a great deal. 
She probably wouldn't be able to outrun the zombies, or fight them off not with her arthiritis like she says, but she always has an excellent supply of tea bags, and you know she gave me life, so she's not going to get left behind.

My Brother
Again would not show any interest in the forthcoming apocalypse, in fact he would steadfastly ignore it all and hope it'd go away without him having to actually do anything. 
He might leave a Facebook status taking the piss out of it perhaps, but until it was physically affecting his life (as in the Zombies start trying to eat his face) he genuinely wouldn't care. 
He's my sibling and my Mum would go batshit if we left him behind so he'd have to come.


My Sisters
Well M would be utterly furious with the Zombies for actually being real and if any dared cross her path she'd either turn them to dust with her death stare, or ignore them so hard they would genuinely be confused at their own existence and leave.  She is an incredible cook, very practical and resilient so I've no doubt at all that she'd survive so she's coming like it or not.
H is a teenager, and so like most teenagers will probably be in her room when the Zombies attack, If she has her friends around they'll be an unbeatable bunch, because once a group of teenage girls realise they have no electricity essential to personal hygiene and grooming, then honestly the Zombies stand no chance.

The Dog
The dog is literally the most useless guard dog ever, he rarely barks so wouldn't be able to alert us to danger. He would definitely try to hump the Zombies leg and sniff their crotch as they'll be too slow to get away. Or pee on them. Wouldn't last 5 minutes.

The Cat
Cat would not be affected in the slightest. She sleeps all day anyway and only surfaces to eat, lick water out of toilet (despite fresh water being in her bowl I hasten to add) and scratches the shit out of anyone who dares touch her,
She was made for the Zombie apocalypse, she'd out live us all.

Mr O
Upon hearing about the Zombies he'll be gutted not because they may eat him, no but because it will mean I was right all along and he'll know he'll never hear the end of it.
He's quite tall and strong and very protective bless him so  have no doubt he'd protect us and himself from the flesh eating Zombies, however he is also very nice and would want to help everyone he met along the way which would be a source of tension between us. Mainly because I have a list of questions to ask possible survivors and as a man who refuses to stop to even ask for directions he'd hate it.

S
Seren has a tendency for the dramatic so upon hearing about the Zombies she would automatically assume we are all going to die and would vocalise this very very loudly. In fact her screeching would probably alert all the zombies to the house where it again, would all be my fault.
She would desperately check the battery life on her Ipad and ignore my requests to move quickly and take only the essentials. She'd pack her own survival bag containing Lego, Minecraft figures, slime and then make me carry it. Would probably ignore the Zombies as they attacked as she'd have her headphones in watching Minecraft, but once the battery life on her Ipad hits 2 per cent any Zombies around would be ripped apart limb by limb.

Me
I would secretly be pleased I was right all along, but if the Zombies attacked during wine o'clock and Real Housewives then they stand no chance, no none at all.

So as we can see your family and their skills determine how you prepare and execute your plan. So what is your plan.

Do you stay at home or run?

You can barricade yourself inside your home and sit it out but you would have to ensure you had enough supplies and access to fresh water/ Water in the taps will only last so long after the Zombies eat everyone at United Utilities (actually I think the Zombies might have already attacked them after the conversation I had with one employee last week)
Also all you neighbours will all eventually turn to Zombies, especially if they haven't got an apocalypse plan (shakes head sadly) Can you really take out the old lady from number 19 who watered your plants for you when you went on holiday? Really? With a knife to the head if it comes to it? How will you protect your home from looters?
I would say pack up and leave ether move into a supermarket - Costco is your best bet they literally have everything you need to survive, or find an abandoned farm in the middle of no-where (I've a couple eyed up) maybe build a moat around it.

Me? I'm leaving. I'm packing up the car with supplies and heading for a cruise ship, because Zombies can't swim and it will have loads of food and booze already on it. Also always wanted a house with an indoor ice rink,  private cinema and swimming pool so kind of win win really.

Who goes with you

We've established that you have your family, yes even the ones that will be useless (looks bitterly at the dog) but who else do you take with you?
I have a list of professionals who'll be needed to ensure the survival of mankind such a Doctor, Dentist, a really smart scientist type (as with that sentence I prove I am obviously not) a teacher, chef, pilot, farmer, vet...for the stupid dog. Probably a psychologist too as we'll all be a bit screwed up what with the flesh eating zombies and close proximity  to my Mother.
Tom Hardy, obviously.
Will loot  various Supermarkets, Primarks and Boots along the way. Ahhhh looting will be the best part of the Zombie apocalypse, I'll bloody love it. I've worked 20 years in the Xmas sales it's pretty much the same thing.

What do you stockpile

You need the basics, water, lots of canned food, jars of things such as peanut butter, crackers, cereals pet food for the bloody animals. So you need to rob a supermarket, however Tescos will be overrun with people straight away so maybe try the less obvious places first - so farm shops (lots of preserves and sauces) Pub kitchens (you can also stockpile gin and wine here) Other peoples cupboards, even Poundshops

Personally I have no fear of the big supermarket during a Zombe apocalypse, I've said before I've worked in retail for 20 years, seen middle aged, perfectly reasonable women physically fight over the last bag of sprouts one Christmas eve so nothing shocks me anymore.

Wine and gin we've already touched on briefly but you'll need it. A lot of it.
Rob a pharmacy you'll need it all, especially me if my Mum is going to be trapped on a cruise ship with us, I shall need a lot of Prozac, we all will.
Candles - if you go past an Ikea pop in it'll be the one time your husband is guaranteed not to moan about going into Ikea and coming out with nothing but bloody candles.
Lighters/matches/batteries
Clothes/blankets/coats - just loot a Primark, actually we're not paying so what the hell loot Selfridges!
Weapons - knives/guns/stun guns/swords anything you can get your hands on - unsure of where?Maybe try peoples garages and sheds. Or a police station evidence room saw that on a TV show once thought it was a good idea.
Seeds - pop into a local garden just in case you find an abandoned island and need to start again, this is why I'm taking Tom Hardy you see it's for Mankind!
Animals - not like in the Ark two by two scenario, I mean would you fancy sharing a cruise ship with an elephant crapping everywhere? But Chickens, a pig, maybe a goat. A few cats to make it feel homely.
Seren is also insisting we stop at Toys R Us and Hobbycraft.
W. H. Smiths - you can stockpile on books, maps, medical journals, educational workbooks, stationary, and all those bloody sweets and half price chocolates at the till points will finally come in handy.

Mark has always taken the piss out of my Cruise ship plan, he thinks a small yacht will be easier to clear of Zombes and he is right, dammit. So we'll start with a yacht and cross our fingers the Zombe apocalypse happens off season so the cruise ship will be full of elderly Zombies - easier to take down that way.

So to summarise

• Pack a few essentials so you can leave quickly or as quickly as you can with a husband, child and a dog.
•  Have a backpack ready to go with; clean clothes water bottles, water purification tablets, penknife, first aid kit, some food, matches and a torch. Not to include any lego, minecraft figures or slime!
• Steal a suitable vehicle that will get you to the coast (eyes up neighbours motor home)
• Collect family members, yes all of them.
• Stop at various shops and supermarkets and stockpile - would avoid Cheshire Oaks the traffic there is always bad it'd be total mayhem during the Zombie apocalypse.
• Somehow gather weapons - will leave this to Mark.
• Find Tom Hardy - might be a bit awkward if he doesn't want to leave his wife and kid. Regret bringing pretty Sisters along, consider leaving them behind.......
• Locate suitable yacht and move aboard.
• Send out my Brother and Mark to find suitable survivors - whilst I drink gin with Tom Hardy

So apart from being stuck aboard a yacht/cruise ship with my Mother who gets sea sick, the complete breakdown of society oh and the flesh eating Zombies of course. The Zombie apocalypse isn't sounding that bad really, 

A cruise ship, no work, stockpiles of food and Gin, an opportunity to loot W.H.Smiths and Selfridges, no-one moaning about going to Ikea for Candles, Tom Hardy! Not too shabby if you ask me!

*If you are applying this plan to Soft play just take out looting, cruise ships and weapons but keep in the Gin, Prozac and bringing family members along. Soft play in undoubtedly better with those three.