Dear Me aged 17 and 3/4

Hiya,

How's it going?

If you are reading this at 6.05pm on a Tuesday then I know I've interrupted Heartbreak High on BBC2 , I'm sorry! I was going to call but I know you unplug the phone so you aren't disturbed. Feel free to put this letter down and read it some other time, I just thought it would be nice to say hello to you from the Future.
You are now 36 years old and I'm sure to a 17 year old 36 sounds really old doesn't it? but it isn't. I honestly don't feel much different than you do now, the reflection may have changed a bit though. Yes I totally stole that line from the old lady in Titanic.

For instance you still love the Stone Roses, you still enjoy a wander around W.H.Smith in town to buy a new book. You're still sensitive, always think your right, and your mouth STILL gets you into trouble. I think it's best you just accept now that it's never going to change. However Heartbreak High is no longer your favourite TV show, you no longer wear an asthma inducing amount of CK One, nor wear Rimmels Heather Shimmer lipstick. Oh and you still can't drive, but don't worry the hedge in the village you drove through on your driving lesson? It did grow back OK, well it did eventually.
The main thing is,and I'm just going to come out and say it.......

Rachel you don't become an actress and marry Leonardo DiCaprio.

Sorry.

At 17 you probably think that being 36 brings with it a certain level of maturity, you know like throwing dinner parties, wearing sensible shoes, having pensions and generally just having all your shit together. Well at 36 yes you do have dinner parties of a fashion. I mean you have a kid now, your friends they all have kids now too so it's not so much an elegant little affair with candles and cocktails, It's more necking wine, eating, chatting, laughing and ignoring the fact that the kids are trampling crisps into the carpet upstairs.
However you still don't know what you want to be when you grow up, you still have an obsession with Spike from Buffy (is it the long leather coat perhaps)  You do have a pension but listen Mum was definitely lying when she says those ridiculous high heels you wear will give you bunions, they don't! She was just bitter about her's so carry on.
One warning though - if someone tells you to run quickly over a cobbled street in six inch wedges when you're pissed, DON'T! Your ankle will never be the same.

I really miss your innocence  though, the way you always saw the positive side to things, so carefree and laid back. I hate to say it but you are nothing like that now.The thing is certain things will happen that are completely and utterly out of your control, and they will somewhat chip away at those qualities. I wish I could tell you it won't hurt Rachel, that it won't be hard and it won't change a part of you forever but it does and I'm sorry. These things will also make you strong though, stronger than you or anybody else ever thought possible.
So Rachel I am writing this letter to you to give you some advice, some serious, some not so much.
I am sure as the stubborn, know it all that you are that you will ignore a lot of them, but if you could have a read and at least take some things on board I am of no doubt that some day, may be of help to you.

1. Stop plucking your eyebrows and dying your hair blonde with Sun-In. Seriously stop it NOW! 
No-one believes that overnight you went from a brunette with slugs across her forehead, to a platinum blonde who looks like she pencils her brows on. Styling yourself on Annaliese from Neighbours* is not a good idea. Mum is right your eyebrows never look the same and your hair really does take years to recover!

See a totally natural transformation which happened almost overnight......

2. Do not drink Drambuie at the Sixth form Christmas Party, you don't impress anyone by doing it you make yourself look like a complete tit, and yes everybody does talk about you behind your back.
And who the hell let you wear floor length sequins to a sixth form party?

Yuck the smell of Drambuie still makes you feel queasy 20 years later.

3. Don't put things off because you are scared of leaving your comfort zone, just go for it. You may hate it (Like when you tried going Veggie for one month) You may be crap at it (like driving) you may even make a massive fool of yourself ( LIPA audition) but you also may find it's something you are good at and and enjoy.
It's better to of tried and failed than never tried at all. 

4. Which brings me to LIPA. Do not lie on the application form about singing to a professional level just be honest. Don't be embarrassed to tell people either or show them how excited you are either, it is a big deal and you should be proud of it.
If you do insist on lying on the application form though, may I suggest some practice beforehand? No you really can't just get through it by belting out "There are Worse things I could do" from Grease with a smile and a Wonderbra. Don't let that put you off though, keep trying you will regret it otherwise.

5. Trying to end a relationship by ignoring phone calls and acting like a complete bitch, in the hope he'll do it for you is not the way to go about it. Please do it with kindness, he deserves it.

One day in the future karma will come back and bite you on the ass, big time.

6. This is very important. You know you have a bad feeling about the owner of that modelling agency in Manchester? Trust that feeling and leave, straight away.
In fact always always trust your gut instinct believe me when I say it hasn't been wrong yet.

7. Stop being so horrible to Mum because you have to move. Stop shouting at her, crying and refusing to speak to her, she really isn't doing it to ruin your life. It is hard for her too.
Be supportive, help her pack, have a cry together. She works so hard and it's not her fault, please appreciate her one day she'll be your best friend,

8. Take That get back together, and split up again. And get back together and then Robbie comes back and then leaves, again. By 2016 you're over it all to be honest. Oh and Gary is the hot one, seriously.

9. Stop worrying about your flat chest, ignore the pancake jokes because you boobs? They get bigger, much bigger without the need for a stupid boob job either. By 2016 your rack is quite simply magnificent, I'm not even ashamed to say it.

10. When you get your student loan do not do the following things with it:

• Waste it in Topshop and Warehouse - no that Chinese print dress will not be a 'classic' you'll wear forever, and you spill black ink all over the beige leather coat.
• Do not spend it on a hotel for a few nights because the heating and hot water went off in your student house.
• Do not spend it on black cabs instead of buses - you are very unlikely to be murdered on the bus in broad daylight.
•  Do not put your weekly foodshop on your M&S Chargecard - that doesn't class as an emergency and it take you years to pay off.

Maybe spend the money on you know rent, food, actual books for studying.

11. University - This is a hard one, on one hand I want you to stay, don't quit because you're homesick (in Liverpool ffs) just move home it isn't a big deal! And you will always, always, always regret not finishing your course. However by coming home you get to spend lots more time with your family than you have done in a long time, which is very very important.
There is no answer here I'll have to let you figure that one out for yourself.

12. You will get your heartbroken and it will hurt, it will hurt a lot. Have dignity, don't beg. You are worth more than that, always.
You will get over it and it actually makes you a better person - makes you realise a few things about yourself too. You do forgive and forget (no really) and move on.

13. That lad that you think is too quiet? Too nice and well, blonde? You know the one I mean? He thinks you're a cocky, gobby, well spoken hamster? Go on a date with him you might actually like him, never know he could turn out to be your soul mate :)

14. Do not lend out your only copy of your wedding video this  is very important! You forget who you lent it to and you won't get it back. If you do then at least make copies first! 

15. There is a weekend when you are almost 5 months pregnant and Dad rings you to invite you go somewhere, and you don't. PLEASE GO. I can not reiterate this enough GO. Hug him hard, tell him how much you love him, remember every single detail, 

16. Don't hold in your feelings, cry please just cry and cry lots. It won't hurt the baby and it causes you far greater damage in other ways further down the line.

17. Childbirth does hurt, Bloody liars.

18. DO NOT sell those matchbox cars for 2p and 5p at the car boot when you're a teenager!There is a reason the man gives you a £1 and tells you to keep the change and he wasn't doing it because he was nice. Git, you're still bitter about this 20 years later.

19. Give up Dairy sooner. You won't believe how much better you will feel!

20. Record Heartbreak High, you can't find the DVD's years later and it gets a bit awkward when your husband wants to know who's been googling Drazic on YouTube.

21. Invent YouTube.


So there we have it Rachel, a few words of wisdom that may help you to navigte the next 20 years. You know what even if you choose to ignore every single bit of advice given,  you still make it through OK

I really would try to invent YouTube though.

Rachel, 

Aged 36 and 3/4 

x

*Actual Annaliese from Neighbours. I didn't copy her wardrobe, but I did own this top.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner

These are some of my favourite baby things of Serens! Hand knitted booties, beautiful soft sleepsuit and the best quote I've seen on a babygrow #NobodyPutsBabyInTheCorner.


As I mentioned in my previous blog I have a serious problem when it comes to getting rid of books, particularly my own (Although if I never see another Horrid Henry joke book again then I'll be OK with that)
My books really do feel like old friends, and this is possibly because during my early childhood I didn't actually have many real life friends,
I did once have an imaginary mouse named Marcus but that is a whole other blog! Books were and still are a huge source of comfort to me. If I pick up a certain book it instantly transports me back to a certain time and place.

Take any of Enid Blyton's Famous Five books for instance, they immediately take me back to being Seren's age at my Nains house, where my brother and I would play with our cousins.I'd insist that we act out whichever of the books I was reading at the time, and my Dad would play the villain (which he'd take great delight in doing making us all squeal) I always wanted to be the tomboy George and my poor brother was forced to play Timmy the dog more times than was probably fair on him.

The Diary of Anne Frank reminds me of sitting underneath the tree in the garden of our childhood home, I can literally close my eyes and remember every detail of that afternoon. My Mum would bring me out cups of tea and I'd refuse to move even when it got dusk,because I didn't want to put the book down. I think it was one of the first books I'd ever read where it didn't have the happy ending I had always been used to.
I was a sensitive child anyway but my Mum had to hide that book away so I couldn't see it, as every time I saw Anne Franks face on the front cover it would make me cry.

Adrian Mole reminds me of laughing so hard that my sides hurt, and again was one of the first books I'd read where the family wasn't quite 'perfect' like the families portrayed in so many of my childhood stories. Although the family in the 'Famous Five' does make me raise my judgey pants a little. Packing young children off to an abandoned island with nothing more than lemonade,corned beef sandwiches and a shaggy dog? Asking for trouble if you ask me.

Wuthering Heights reminds me of falling in love for the first time, Bridget Jones Diary reminds me of starting University, and the Yummy Mummy guidebook reminds me of when Mark and I first decided we were going to try for a baby. Then we had a baby. And I launched Liz Fraser's book down the stairs.
Turns out after being up all night with a colicky baby, getting up the next day to throw on some Clarins beauty flash balm and pop to Starbucks and then out for lunch isn't that easy after all. (I still have the book though obviously)

But my difficulty parting with books is nothing compared to how hard I find it to be parted from my daughter's baby things. It is quite frankly obscene the amount of things I have kept,
Things came to a head before Christmas when Mark had to empty the back of the loft. He bought down box after box of baby things, boxes I didn't even remember we'd had.
One entire box was for shoes, yes baby shoes (and it wasn't a small box either) Baby wellington boots for instance. Did I think I was taking my baby splashing through puddles at 3-6 months? Baby trainers, baby peep toe sandals, and even baby clogs. There were some lovely hand knitted baby booties too the only thing on her feet she did actually get the use of.

Then there are the clothes, so many clothes! Beautiful baby grows and cardigans, and some quite frankly ridiculous outfits that I only have myself to blame for. There is a lace and denim outfit that must have been purchased when I was seriously sleep deprived, or I was planning on entering her into a baby Dolly Parton lookalike contest.
There are all her cards from when we were expecting, cards from when Seren was born. newspapers from the day she was born, blankets.toys and yes even the cast that she wore after she had her hip operation.It was gross then, it's still pretty gross now.

As we looked at everything Mark asked me did we need to keep it all. And it made me wonder why I insisted on keeping literally everything up until now.
Originally I kept everything because we thought like many might do, that we'd have another baby straight away. But then Seren needed an operation on her hip at six months old, and caring for her for the following six months literally took up 24 hours a day. There are a handful of people who know how difficult those months were, but suffice to say there was no time to even think about trying for a baby never mind actually having one.
Then, well things didn't go quite the way we'd planned but again, that's a whole other blog for a whole other time.

As Seren got older these keepsakes became less about having another baby,and more about keeping the baby we had if that makes sense. If Seren is to be our only child how could I bear to be parted with any of her special things? But there is special and plain odd and lets face it the smelly plaster cast is odd.
Now Seren is growing up becoming so independent whether my nerves like it or not, she isn't a baby she is growing into an utterly and wonderfully unique young lady, As someone far wiser than me told me you can't keep holding onto the past, but embrace the future. So that's what I'm doing.

Now my Mother, who has threatened to never speak to me again if she appears in any of these blogs (but she doesn't do 'the internet' so how she'll ever find out I'm not sure) is good at many things and one of them is decluttering so she has come down to help me sort out all of Serens baby things.
Mark and I picked the clothes that were extra special to us and will be looking at turning them into a keepsake cushion (or cushions there were a lot of 'extra' special ones ahem)
If anyone has any good links to places that could do this I would be grateful!And anything we could give away to a good cause we have done.

The cards well I couldn't be parted with some of them. Seren was born after such a sad and difficult time for our family, that she bought us all a little bit of sunshine and the cards we received during this time were truly touching so I couldn't let them go, instead I've purchased a huge art file to store them all in which will hopefully stop them from getting as damp and musty too. I'm also going to do this to store all the many paintings and drawings she has done over the years.

The cast has gone! And so have the shoes - if I can give any new Mother out there any advice from me it's don't buy baby wellington boots or peep toe sandals, it may shock you but they won't wear them. I'm mostly annoyed that my Mother was here to witness the shoe collection gathering dust "I told you she'd never wear them" she said and she did. Damn it I hate it when she's right.

The problem is although this decluttering has left me feeling some sense of accomplishment now I've got to start on  everything else and you wouldn't believe the amount of cuddly toys up in that loft..
















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