Wednesday, 17 February 2016

A Mum's guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

With the return of The Walking Dead this week after THAT cliffhanger (Don't be Abe please don't be Abe) it's got me thinking about my own Zombie apocalypse plan. I mean everyone has one don't they it's not just me? Oh it is just me.
OK well If you don't love your children enough  don't have one or don't want to prepare for the Zombie apocalypse then that's fine you can also apply this plan to surviving Kids Soft play, because let's face it it's kind of the same thing. A lot of manic running around, snarling, screaming and biting each other in a tense and sweaty atmosphere. You survive on what you can gather quickly, and that just might have to be overpriced quavers, fruit shoots or coffee. Everybody shuffles around with a slightly dead look behind the eyes just wishing for it all to be over quickly.

Not an actual picture from kids soft play by the way...

I first realised my need to prepare for such an event a couple of years ago after our Village suffered a 24 hour power cut, our daughter quite simply fell apart.
At one point she was found wandering from room to room wistfully stroking various electrical items and clutching her Ipad to her chest. Whimpering softly about how things would never be the same again. 

I think the electric had been off for less than an hour.

Yes I am sure there are some kids who are perfectly content to play with nothing more than a stick and a ball of wool, but just in case your kid aren't you know, cats, and do enjoy some of life's electrical wonders you may just feel my pain and need to prepare.

Now before you start hoarding water and buying stun guns  (I'll explain later) you need to be realistic about who in your family will step up in a Zombie apocalypse and who is going to be Zombie food within hours of it all going to shit. Then tailor make your plan around that, because you can't really leave any of them behind without looking a bit on the unreasonable side.

Let's look at my family for instance

My Mum
Well unless the Zombie apocalypse was all about her she probably wouldn't show any interest in it at all. If I rang to warn her she wouldn't believe me, she believes nothing unless she's heard it from her next door neighbour or the man at the Post Office who knows bloody everything.
The Zombie apocalypse would most certainly be all my fault somehow.
She'd spend a lot of the Zombie apocalypse complaining about them loudly and tutting at them but not actually doing a great deal. 
She probably wouldn't be able to outrun the zombies, or fight them off not with her arthiritis like she says, but she always has an excellent supply of tea bags, and you know she gave me life, so she's not going to get left behind.

My Brother
Again would not show any interest in the forthcoming apocalypse, in fact he would steadfastly ignore it all and hope it'd go away without him having to actually do anything. 
He might leave a Facebook status taking the piss out of it perhaps, but until it was physically affecting his life (as in the Zombies start trying to eat his face) he genuinely wouldn't care. 
He's my sibling and my Mum would go batshit if we left him behind so he'd have to come.

My Sisters
Well M would be utterly furious with the Zombies for actually being real and if any dared cross her path she'd either turn them to dust with her death stare, or ignore them so hard they would genuinely be confused at their own existence and leave.  She is an incredible cook, very practical and resilient so I've no doubt at all that she'd survive so she's coming like it or not.
H is a teenager, and so like most teenagers will probably be in her room when the Zombies attack, If she has her friends around they'll be an unbeatable bunch, because once a group of teenage girls realise they have no electricity essential to personal hygiene and grooming, then honestly the Zombies stand no chance.

The Dog
The dog is literally the most useless guard dog ever, he rarely barks so wouldn't be able to alert us to danger. He would definitely try to hump the Zombies leg and sniff their crotch as they'll be too slow to get away. Or pee on them. Wouldn't last 5 minutes.

The Cat
Cat would not be affected in the slightest. She sleeps all day anyway and only surfaces to eat, lick water out of toilet (despite fresh water being in her bowl I hasten to add) and scratches the shit out of anyone who dares touch her,
She was made for the Zombie apocalypse, she'd out live us all.

Mr O
Upon hearing about the Zombies he'll be gutted not because they may eat him, no but because it will mean I was right all along and he'll know he'll never hear the end of it.
He's quite tall and strong and very protective bless him so  have no doubt he'd protect us and himself from the flesh eating Zombies, however he is also very nice and would want to help everyone he met along the way which would be a source of tension between us. Mainly because I have a list of questions to ask possible survivors and as a man who refuses to stop to even ask for directions he'd hate it.

Seren has a tendency for the dramatic so upon hearing about the Zombies she would automatically assume we are all going to die and would vocalise this very very loudly. In fact her screeching would probably alert all the zombies to the house where it again, would all be my fault.
She would desperately check the battery life on her Ipad and ignore my requests to move quickly and take only the essentials. She'd pack her own survival bag containing Lego, Minecraft figures, slime and then make me carry it. Would probably ignore the Zombies as they attacked as she'd have her headphones in watching Minecraft, but once the battery life on her Ipad hits 2 per cent any Zombies around would be ripped apart limb by limb.

I would secretly be pleased I was right all along, but if the Zombies attacked during wine o'clock and Real Housewives then they stand no chance, no none at all.

So as we can see your family and their skills determine how you prepare and execute your plan. So what is your plan.

Do you stay at home or run?

You can barricade yourself inside your home and sit it out but you would have to ensure you had enough supplies and access to fresh water/ Water in the taps will only last so long after the Zombies eat everyone at United Utilities (actually I think the Zombies might have already attacked them after the conversation I had with one employee last week)
Also all you neighbours will all eventually turn to Zombies, especially if they haven't got an apocalypse plan (shakes head sadly) Can you really take out the old lady from number 19 who watered your plants for you when you went on holiday? Really? With a knife to the head if it comes to it? How will you protect your home from looters?
I would say pack up and leave ether move into a supermarket - Costco is your best bet they literally have everything you need to survive, or find an abandoned farm in the middle of no-where (I've a couple eyed up) maybe build a moat around it.

Me? I'm leaving. I'm packing up the car with supplies and heading for a cruise ship, because Zombies can't swim and it will have loads of food and booze already on it. Also always wanted a house with an indoor ice rink,  private cinema and swimming pool so kind of win win really.

Who goes with you

We've established that you have your family, yes even the ones that will be useless (looks bitterly at the dog) but who else do you take with you?
I have a list of professionals who'll be needed to ensure the survival of mankind such a Doctor, Dentist, a really smart scientist type (as with that sentence I prove I am obviously not) a teacher, chef, pilot, farmer, vet...for the stupid dog. Probably a psychologist too as we'll all be a bit screwed up what with the flesh eating zombies and close proximity  to my Mother.
Tom Hardy, obviously.
Will loot  various Supermarkets, Primarks and Boots along the way. Ahhhh looting will be the best part of the Zombie apocalypse, I'll bloody love it. I've worked 20 years in the Xmas sales it's pretty much the same thing.

What do you stockpile

You need the basics, water, lots of canned food, jars of things such as peanut butter, crackers, cereals pet food for the bloody animals. So you need to rob a supermarket, however Tescos will be overrun with people straight away so maybe try the less obvious places first - so farm shops (lots of preserves and sauces) Pub kitchens (you can also stockpile gin and wine here) Other peoples cupboards, even Poundshops

Personally I have no fear of the big supermarket during a Zombe apocalypse, I've said before I've worked in retail for 20 years, seen middle aged, perfectly reasonable women physically fight over the last bag of sprouts one Christmas eve so nothing shocks me anymore.

Wine and gin we've already touched on briefly but you'll need it. A lot of it.
Rob a pharmacy you'll need it all, especially me if my Mum is going to be trapped on a cruise ship with us, I shall need a lot of Prozac, we all will.
Candles - if you go past an Ikea pop in it'll be the one time your husband is guaranteed not to moan about going into Ikea and coming out with nothing but bloody candles.
Clothes/blankets/coats - just loot a Primark, actually we're not paying so what the hell loot Selfridges!
Weapons - knives/guns/stun guns/swords anything you can get your hands on - unsure of where?Maybe try peoples garages and sheds. Or a police station evidence room saw that on a TV show once thought it was a good idea.
Seeds - pop into a local garden just in case you find an abandoned island and need to start again, this is why I'm taking Tom Hardy you see it's for Mankind!
Animals - not like in the Ark two by two scenario, I mean would you fancy sharing a cruise ship with an elephant crapping everywhere? But Chickens, a pig, maybe a goat. A few cats to make it feel homely.
Seren is also insisting we stop at Toys R Us and Hobbycraft.
W. H. Smiths - you can stockpile on books, maps, medical journals, educational workbooks, stationary, and all those bloody sweets and half price chocolates at the till points will finally come in handy.

Mark has always taken the piss out of my Cruise ship plan, he thinks a small yacht will be easier to clear of Zombes and he is right, dammit. So we'll start with a yacht and cross our fingers the Zombe apocalypse happens off season so the cruise ship will be full of elderly Zombies - easier to take down that way.

So to summarise

  • Pack a few essentials so you can leave quickly or as quickly as you can with a husband, child and a dog.
  •  Have a backpack ready to go with; clean clothes water bottles, water purification tablets, penknife, first aid kit, some food, matches and a torch. Not to include any lego, minecraft figures or slime!
  • Steal a suitable vehicle that will get you to the coast (eyes up neighbours motor home)
  • Collect family members, yes all of them.
  • Stop at various shops and supermarkets and stockpile - would avoid Cheshire Oaks the traffic there is always bad it'd be total mayhem during the Zombie apocalypse.
  • Somehow gather weapons - will leave this to Mark.
  • Find Tom Hardy - might be a bit awkward if he doesn't want to leave his wife and kid. Regret bringing pretty Sisters along, consider leaving them behind.......
  • Locate suitable yacht and move aboard.
  • Send out my Brother and Mark to find suitable survivors - whilst I drink gin with Tom Hardy
So apart from being stuck aboard a yacht/cruise ship with my Mother who gets sea sick, the complete breakdown of society oh and the flesh eating Zombies of course. The Zombie apocalypse isn't sounding that bad really, 

A cruise ship, no work, stockpiles of food and Gin, an opportunity to loot W.H.Smiths and Selfridges, no-one moaning about going to Ikea for Candles, Tom Hardy! Not too shabby if you ask me!

*If you are applying this plan to Soft play just take out looting, cruise ships and weapons but keep in the Gin, Prozac and bringing family members along. Soft play in undoubtedly better with those three.

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