Monday, 8 February 2016

The Secret Diary of Oscar O'Kelly aged 10 3/4

Monday 8th Feb

4am
A loud fart wakes me up from my slumber. It could be mine, possibly Mr O's who knows. Either way it alerts him and the wife to the fact I've snuck into the bedroom.
Decide it is therefore the perfect time to lick their hands to let them know how much I love them, they don't sound too impressed. They aren't all that impressed when I to to climb onto the bed either so they send me out.
Go into the kids room to lick her hand to tell her how much I love her too but the cats curled up on the bed giving me evils, I hate the cat. Make a mental note to have a good sniff of her bum later, that'll piss her off

4.15am
I'm awake now so I may as well have a wee whilst I'm at it. Will just make as much noise as I can to alert them to this fact by firstly walking loudly in and out of their bedroom banging into as many things as I can. When this doesn't work I start whining. When the lazy feckers still don't answer I go downstairs and stand at the back door barking.
Aww listen to that they're arguing over which one gets to let me out, bless them.

4.17am.
Whilst I'm outside I might just have a nice slow amble around the garden, sniff around to see what's changed in the past 5 hours.Nothing. Nothing has changed but I still need to check.
Mr O is standing at the door waiting for me pulling faces, he's not saying anything so I'll carry on having a good old sniff and pee on everything I come across. Even If I don't have any pee left in me I like to try.
I do this until Mr O starts jerking his head and waving his hands at me like he's having some sort of attack.

4.25am
He leaves me in the hall telling me good boy "In your bed"Ha.I get on the sofa.

7.15am
Woken up by Mrs O tripping over me as she gets out of bed. Oh here we go potty mouth!
Well you didn't want me on the bed either so make your mind up love!
Do the trick she loves the best by rushing down the stairs in front of her then stopping dead in my tracks because I think I've heard something outside. Do this a couple of times, it's fun.

7.30am
Eat my breakfast. Keep one eye on what everyone else is eating in case it's better than mine.
Stand as close to them as I possibly can, move around under the table and nudge them with my nose in case they can't see me. Try to lick the toast that's in their hands or off the table if backs are turned.
Get crusts from the kid! Get in!

8am
Vigorously lick balls and bum hole for several minutes. Try to lick someones hands or face sharing the love.

8.45am
Kid goes to school, get a big hug from the kid. I love her I do.



Me and the Kid - I love her.


9.10am
Cat comes downstairs have a good sniff of her bum as she tries to eat her food, she hisses at me.
Mrs O has mopped the floor so decide that is the perfect time to go outside stand in some mud and walk back in. she mops the floor again. She must like doing it so make mental note to do it again later.

10am
Someone new comes to the house! I greet her at the door by sticking my nose in her lady parts, she laughs although not very enthusiastically and moves away. I take this as an invitation to do it again but with a bit more force this time. She laughs, less enthusiastically.
I notice she is wearing black, black is my my favourite!! I find my golden hairs look best on black clothing so I ensure I rub myself all over her many, many times until I'm made to "get in my bed"
Wish they'd stop the charade of 'my bed' we all know I sleep where I bloody well like.
When they are drinking coffee and ignoring me I take this as an invitation to plonk myself in front of them and roll all over the floor until I am fussed. Eye up the cake, no ones offering me any, lick it whilst no-ones looking.
Sent out to 'my bed' again so I sit on it with my penis sticking out and staring at them proudly, making everybody feel really, really uncomfortable.

11am
Locked outside now so just stare through the window at them instead, Get bored so go and do a poo at the bottom of the garden try and make eye contact with them through the window.
Make mental note to lick whatever that puddle was off the patio when I'm let back in.

12pm
Throw up on kitchen floor. Look at it, paw at it, lick it and decide to eat it.

1pm
Vets! I love the vets! I love walking up there sniffing and licking everything I come across.
I love sliding all over the waiting room floor with Mrs O manically shrieking "Good boy Oscar!Sit"!!! When we all know she has no control over me What.So.Ever.
I frantically sniff at all the bum holes I possibly can I do not discriminate by size or sex or breed of animal, and if I can I like to try and do just a little pee on the floor. Get lots of fusses as I'm so cuddly, and fluffy and cute.
I need more tablets again. No they aren't covered on the insurance. Again.
Ahhh Mrs O has a little tear in her eye as she's staring at me, she's gone a bit of a white colour, maybe she needs a vet too. I particularly enjoy watching Mrs O try to keep her cool when we know she's secretly wanting to lose her shit in there.
Get home have a treat, eat what is left over in the cats bowl and have a snooze.

2pm
Mrs O is upstairs making the bed, Oh new bedding you say? Get down you say? Well just you wait lady because once your ass is at school pick up I'm going to make that bed my bitch.

3.05pm
Wake up from nap in 'my bed' no-ones at home so go upstairs and roll all over bed, vigorously lick my balls and my bum hole for several minutes.

4pm
Kids at home having a snack and she gives me some, winner!

5pm
Kid gives me a ball she's found in the garden, I run around and around in circles for several minutes and wag my tail for a very long time because I just bloody love balls! Drop the ball at her feet, she throws it. Drop the ball at her feet, she throws it. Never gets boring this game!

6pm
I don't always sit underneath the table as they eat tea and fart loudly, but  when I do? It's when they have company.

8pm
Everyone sat down, watching TV? Good. I want to go out.

8.02pm
I want to come in

8.03pm
Cats gone out? I want to follow her

8.15pm
Kid cuddles me before bed and gives me my treat, she's given me about 10 since she finished school but the parents don't know that so I just eat each one like it's the best thing I have ever tasted and shake her hand she bloody loves this game. I love the kid.

9pm
Kids in bed asleep and I go in to tell her how much I love her, Cats on bed, I weigh up my chances and lick kids hand. Cat turns her back on me in disgust so I niff cats bum, cat scratches me. Whatevs. Worth it.

9.15pm
Go for a walk with Mr O. I could have a poo at any point really but nah I wait until I'm outside someones front door and do it then, like to try and time it just as they're coming out as well.
Will try and catch their eye as I'm doing it try and make it more awkward if at all possible.
Also like to try and pull away to sniff something as Mr O's picking it up too.

9.45pm
Tied up outside the Co-Op so try and shag the dog that's next to me, get all tangled up in the leads and yelp until Mark rescues me.
Stop and sniff every single thing on the way home.

10.05pm
Rachel lets me watch TV next to her on the sofa. This is nice...oh right the wines open.....start to lick bum hole mine not her! So made to get down.

11pm
Mark and Rachel are going to bed, they open the back door so I can go for a wee but I'm comfy in 'my bed' so I just look at them blankly as if I don't understand.

11.05pm
They tell me night and "In your bed good boy" Wait til they're upstairs get on sofa.

12.15pm
Go upstairs but the cats on stairs and the bitch won't let me pass, she'll just stare me out for hours, we've been here before.
I start barking loudly and hear swearing and heavy footsteps. Cat still on stairs, Mrs O stands on cats tail as she's making her way down to me.
Cat screeches and runs off, Mrs O swears and I walk past her to flop on landing.
Swearing and dark mutterings continues for a bit......

1am
Need a wee.





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