Tuesday, 4 July 2017

Cbeebies Land Hotel - A Few Thoughts


I saw your hotel advertised on TV recently.

As I watched a giant Iggle Piggle and his red blanket, looming over a child's bed. My initial thoughts were that perhaps I'd over indulged it a bit on the wine whilst Netflixing.
A quick perusal of social media however, told me that no, this wasn't some pinot grigio induced nightmare, you were actually opening a Cbeebies themed hotel.
So, with that in mind as I was no longer following what we were watching on Netflix, likely due to the wine consumed, I decided to have a little look to see what it was all about.

Not that we're planning on staying anytime soon*or anything, our daughter is no longer of an age where she watches Cbeebies. She's moved on to the world of YouTube, and watches videos of gamer's playing and talking all things Minecraft, and annoying American kids reviewing toys now.
It's an improvement on wanting to punch Postman Pat in the face and being creeped out by Baby Jake though, no offence.

Anyway after I had finished having a look at it all, I found I had a few questions, and also some suggestions for you to take on board before you open, on the 8th of July.

I hope that's OK with you?

Firstly - where on earth is Tom Hardy?

You tease us with him reading the bedtime story, making the witching hour of bedtime somewhat bearable, and yet there is a distinct lack of him anywhere in the hotel or Cbeebies land.
What's that about! I thought he was quite the marketing ploy for the BBC, something for the Mum's eh? (And we thank you we really do) Not that i was expecting him to wandering around shirtless around the park but you come on, you could have given us something!

Mr Bloom and Andy are NO substitute for Tom Hardy! No matter how tight their trousers are. Sorry boys.

Where's Tom *sobs* 

You gave Postman Pat his own ride? Really?

Pat's parcels have been mixed up! The rides say's! Well of course they have, because Pat is absolutely bloody useless at his job. He shouldn't have a ride based on this fact, it'll make him even more complacent.

Report to the sorting office to receive your instructions and become part of Psstman Pat's 'Special Delivery Service'  Does the ride involve such things as bumbling around, chatting to a cat, losing parcels and generally getting on everyone's nerve's? Because that seems to be all it takes to be part of The Royal Mail's Special Delivery Service according to Pat.

Speaking of Pat, please please do not give him any customer facing job roles. Or any job roles come to that matter. Could you imagine him on reception? I mean he can't even deliver one measly letter
without completely cocking things up .How would he manage to check in a coach load of guests at the same time? You'd find him rocking under the reception desk, stroking Jess (NOT a euphermisim) and mumbling to himself. He is also incredibly wasteful of company resources, for someone who once called in a helicopter to deliver ONE parcel who would he call on if someones suitcase went missing? The Navy?

Hello I'm useless at absolutely everything.

The Octonauts

Is it safe to have a polar bear, on reception? How do you find a suit that fits?
Why hasn't the polar bear eaten the penguin or the cat? Why are they all the same size?

So many Octonaut based questions.

I liked the themed bedrooms.

But Postman at isn't really going to be knocking on the bedroom door as the advert shows surely? Bit creepy.

Any plans for a Tom Hardy themed bedroom?

I believe the 'In the Night Garden' Bedroom suite plays the theme tune as you enter the room?
I think it's far to say that after a day with toddlers, in a theme park. The last thing I would want to hear is anyone singing about Iggle piggle as I step through the door.
Especially after my child has possibly had a meltdown whilst waiting for the 'In the Night Garden' boat ride.  A strong G&T waiting would be preferable.

Right, where's the mini bar.

Will Mr Bloom be your on site gardener? 

Asking for a friend.

Will Charlie and Lolas parents be making an appearence on their ride?

Or are they still being neglectful T***s and letting Charlie raise his little Sister single handedly on a concoction of pink milkshakes and biscuits?

Yup, looks like it!

Does the Hotel have an infirmary aka a Bar?

After a day of primary colour based overload, Mr Tumble, Iggle Piggle and bloody Pat all in such close proximity. Do you have a place for stressed parents to rock in a dark corner at night? Perhaps with booze and moderately priced maize based snacks.

So just a few thoughts Cbeebies - good luck with the hotel launch.


* happy to come along for a honest review if you want to watch a middle aged Mother try and get her 10 year old daughter to go on an In The Night Garden boat ride. And her husband to stay in a Octonaut themed bedroom.

Keep Pat away fro me though, he gives me the rage.