Wednesday, 22 March 2017

5 Disney Princesses Who Could Have Done With Some Relationship Advice

I loved Disney films growing up, and not going to lie, I still do.
However, as a Mum to a real tom boy I don’t get to watch the Disney Princess films very often, apart from Tangled that is. That's the the only 'Princess' film my daughter will get on board with. I mean a Princess that runs around barefoot and doesn't like to have her hair brushed? Who doesn't need a man to save her, and will knock you the hell out with a frying pan if needed? 

Yup, that's my kind of heroine too.

Rapunzel. She's ain't no damsel in distress. 

So, I therefore may have to watch some of those Disney Princess films all by myself, and if you could possibly imagine me doing this in a way that does not make me look in the least bit sad? That'd be great.

I used to love all of the classics, especially The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and Cinderella. But nowadays, as much as I still enjoy them and the magic and pure schmaltz that a Disney film brings. I also find I get a bit, well, judgy when it comes to the girl's relationship choices.

You see if I were the Mum of a Disney Princess? Well I’d be having some serious words.
Not that many of them have Mum’s do they? Not real ones anyway. Walt Disney seemed to have a real issue with the ‘Mother’ figure, they either appear to be dead, an inanimate object such as a teapot or just plain evil.

So, in honour of Mother’s Day here are 5 Disney Princesses who really could have done with some relationship advice from their good old Mum!

1 Ariel – The Little Mermaid.

Ariel, you have just turned sixteen. You still like playing with your friends and collecting things. OK perhaps they aren’t the sort of things I collected as a 16-year-old. Like rubbers, scrunchies and body shop lip balm. No, you collect ‘artefacts’ like forks, bottle openers and “oozits and wotists” galore.

So bearing this in mind, do you really think you are ready to fall in love and run off with the first man you meet? You have never even spoken to this Eric person due to him being UNCONCIOUS when you saw him! Are you really going to pursue true love based on just his looks? He might be a completely sexist pig who leaves his clothes all over the floor.

Are you prepared to never see your family again, to sacrifice a possible career as a singer ‘under the sea’ and completely change your physical appearance just for him?

Oh. You are.

2. Belle – Beauty and the Beast.

Ah Belle, I see so much of myself in you, I too was a bookworm, seen as a bit of a daydreamer. A real Daddies girl.

You possess some wonderful qualities that make me so proud. You are feisty, and brave. You stand up for what you believe in. You saw straight through Gastons misogynistic advances, whereas your counterparts would have simply married a man they first met (Yes Aurora, Ariel, Cinderella etc I'm looking at you)

You want more than that, more than what you consider a ‘provincial life’ Which is amazing, a bit sneery perhaps. When I was growing up our ‘provincial town’ didn’t even have a post office. You had a Bakers, a book store and a pub so you should count yourself lucky really.

But, for someone who yearned for far off places and sought adventure, you ended up shacked up just down the road. With a man who has essentially made you his prisoner. That’s hardly what you had your heart set on is it Belle, why settle?
Now while  I agree you really shouldn’t have gone around poking your nose in other people’s homes, especially when you were a guest, and they expressly told you not to. T
hat does not excuse ‘Beasts’ quite frankly abusive behaviour. 

He shouts at you, smashes furniture, he’s controlling. He needs anger management Belle, not a wife.

I am worried about you and think you should seek professional advice from a counsellor. I think you may be suffering with something called Stockholm syndrome.

Get out Belle. You deserve better.

3. Snow White – Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs.

I feel for you Snow White, losing both parents at a young age and having to be raised by a Step Mother. A woman so consumed with jealously over your beauty that she wanted you dead. I mean you’re going to have issues.

But I have to ask you something Snow. Why so stupid?

As a young teenage runaway what part of shacking up with not one, but SEVEN strange men in a wood, did you think was a good idea? You cook for them, clean, wash their clothes, essentially kept as some sort of slave.

To be honest it was a bit like watching Taken in parts, except Liam Neesons role went to the Step Mother “I have a particular set of skills. I will find you and I will kill you” And she did. 
OK, her set of skills was less arm to arm combat and more fancy dress, but she got to her target just like he did. She just used a poison apple instead of a gun.

And after eating the poisoned apple and falling into a deep sleep, and being kept in a GLASS coffin by the seven strange small men, which is in NO way creepy. You decide to marry the guy that likes to kiss dead girls in coffins!!

FFS Snow, sort it out.

And then she marries him, obviously.

4. Cinderella.

After the death of your Father, you spent your teenage years cooking, cleaning and sewing for your Step Mother and Step Sisters. Now, as far a Step Mothers go in Disney at least she didn’t want you dead. Just as an unpaid housekeeper. 
The fact that you seem OK with this change in circumstances is worrying, and say's something about your self esteem. As if it is perfectly normal to go from sleeping in a bed and eating around a table to sleeping in the cinders of a kitchen fire, and sharing cheese with the mice. 

I'm here to tell you Cinders, it isn’t. It really isn’t.

Living each day like this, it’s really no wonder you want a break from reality, and an evening at the ball. Being driven by a pumpkin turned carriage thanks to your Fairy God Mother it's certainly that!

So, what do you do with this rare night of freedom? Chat, dance, make friends? Get shit faced on sambucca and fall over in a hedge? Oh no.

You fall in love with the first man you meet!  

He comes looking for you to propose, as you do after one dance with someone. A romantic gesture slightly marred by the fact he doesn’t recognise you when you’re not dressed up, only when the shoe fits! So obviously, you accept.
What are you thinking Cinderella? Don’t you want to see what else is out there for you?

I just hope you haven’t swopped cooking and cleaning for your Step Mother, to cooking, cleaning and being a housewife for the Prince.

Meet Prince bloody Charming.

5 Ana- Frozen.

Poor Ana, you certainly haven’t had it easy have you? Having your big Sister give you a brain injury whilst playing. Beig healed by trolls and therefore having all your childhood memories wiped away.
Losing your sister because your parents decide to lock her away in her room, and then who die in a terrible storm. Which is what happens to most Disney parents to be honest.

So, after many years of what seriously looks like a case of neglect. Having to fend for yourself in an almost empty castle, devoid of any parental roles. It’s no wonder that when Elsa ‘opens the gates’ and throws a party you latch onto the first guy you meet.

Not going to lie though Ana, I feel as much of a cold hearted little ice maiden your Sister is – no pun intended. You could have spent more of that evening, talking to her and listening to her. Rather than dancing and singing with a guy called Hans you’ve just met and then agreeing you MARRY him.

It's no wonder your Sister goes cray and runs off.

After the drama of searching for your sister with an ice salesman and a singing snowman, and the heartache of finding out Hans was in fact a con man. Did you decide to have a bit of 'you' time, connect with your Sister?


You start a relationship with Kristoff the ice salesman. I think we should all be thankful here that at least it wasn't the snowman.

 Still, first Disney Princess NOT to marry the first guy she meets. #progress

Tuesday, 14 March 2017

Body Shaming

Dear Diana,

Last night, as I was scrolling through my phone before bed, I stumbled across the picture you posted.

I'm sure you know the one I'm talking about, the one you put on the internet for the whole world to see. A picture body shaming another woman, who just so happened to be working out in your gym. I'm not going to post that picture on my blog, because it really doesn't need sharing again. However, I'll link the article here if anyone isn't sure what i'm talking about.

You posted an apology, you claim 'body shaming' wasn’t your intention.
You didn’t mean to hurt anyone, that you aren’t a bully. With that one photograph you proved to be exactly that though, don't you see?

An apology.

You say, you were simply commenting on the fact that she was using her mobile phone whilst on the treadmill. Gym etiquette obviously means a lot to you, by being so incensed by this that you felt the need to take a photo of it and then you know, post it on the internet.

May I ask what did you use to take this picture then? If mobile phone useage ina  gy is so frowned upon? Do you have magic powers? Are you able to blink and suddenly project an image onto the world-wide web? No? 
Did you use your phone then Diana? The one you have no problem using to take gym selfies of yourself, and which therefore discredits your rather pathetic attempt at an excuse.

Thursday, 9 March 2017

Beyonce uses Paypal. Who Knew!

Dear Bey,

Thanks so much for sending me the $3,182.00 dollars this week. It's 2 days before payday and the dog's been to the vets this month. That's not all that unusual to be honest, you see he has 'allergies' aka he's an awkward T*** and needs a constant diet of pills, wipes and drops. Like a leaky Keith Richards.

It also looks like we need two new tyres on our shit car, I'm not allowed to call it a shit car though - you see my husband works hard. he works very, very hard, and a couple of years ago when a lump sum of money came his way, he was going to get a nice new car. He'd be dreaming about it for ages, but my dream that i'd had since, well that month, was to have two nice holidays that year,
We decided to compromise about it,  like adults, to talk about it rationally and we did. We decided I decided that memories are far more important than a car. So we booked them,
Then the bloody car packed in.

Mr O spent several weeks looking murderously at me, whist  I had to put on such a chipper front that I looked like I was on hallucinogenic drugs. It was exhausting.

Holidays were fab though.

He is a very patient man as you can gather, and he really does deserve a new car soon, but for now the money will be really useful as you can imagine.

Also last April, after 21 years service for the same company  (yes, yes it does sometimes feel like a sentence, or during sales like a zombie apocalypse) we will have undergone huge changes to our premium payments. Compensation we received for working Sundays will be no more, compensation that makes working in retail, on a Sunday somewhat bearable. When all you really want to do is be in a cosy pub eating a roast dinner, after a nice long walk. Or in a play barn, or dozing on the sofa, basically doing anything other than standing behind a till watching someone go bat shit over a 5 p carrier bag charge. Then attempt to cram a king size duvet cover into a Tesco carrier bag.

Actually anything except for a play barn, no one actively chooses to spend Sunday in a play barn do they? Unless someone has booked one for a party, and there's a special place in hell for those kind of people.
Anyway, It's going to mean a significant monetary loss to some, a lot to others especially idiots like me. Idiots who kept putting off, and putting off finishing her degree because there "was a plenty of time" And now there isn't, and that's a bit shit.

Good old Steve though (our Boss) he read the blog when I wrote about all this last year,
I thankfully managed to keep my job cheers Stevey, and if you get to read this one (and due to the company's strict social media policy I'm guessing you will) It looks like Beyonce is sending me $3,182.00 !So that is going to fund me finishing my degree now! So, I'm sure the sleepless nights you've lost worrying about the affects the loss of the premium payment will have on my family are over for you. Hurrah!

If you do feel the need to alleviate any guilt you may be harbouring, then just send some wine, or Percy Pigs. Or, you know, both.

So, back to you Bey. As you can see, this money will make a HUGE difference to our lives and our future so I can't thank you enough for thinking of little old me to send it to.

It's a good job I'm not a hard faced, suspicious individual isn't it! Wondering if you're sending what could be perceived as scamming emails, in an attempt to get some money out of people.

It's a good job I'm not like that, isn't it?

Can't wait to hear back from you. I can see we are going to be good friends! And I didn't think we would, because if I'm being honest I NEVER got the hype about Lemonade.
It's just that for me, if my husband had been shagging around, I'd have punched him in the throat and divorced him. Not spent months writing an album about it, then get myself knocked up.
But hey we're all different. No judgement!

Thanks again Bey, You must need to tighten the purse strings now with twins on the way, so I really do appreciate it.

Rachel x

You're welcome.