Thursday, 26 May 2016

10 Times My Life Needed A Hunger Games GIF This Week..


1.When there was a kid screaming in the supermarket, or having a meltdown in the playground and for once? That kid isn't mine! You really want to do the three fingered salute to the Mum (but you don't in case she thinks it's a bit weird)



2.  Listening to someone complain about the 5 p carrier bag charge for the 978th time that day.........




"Just buy the F***ing carrier bag,,,,"



3. When I let a group of people onto the bus before me, with no thanks.


"Yes You're welcome!"


4. After I've watched my 9 year old daughter have a meltdown over Weetabix....



5. My face when I checked my bank account 2 weeks after payday "So there should be loads left, I mean  I've spent hardly anything....oh....."


*gulp*


6 Trying to avoid customers as I leave the floor at the end of my shift. *


Avoid eye contact, stay focused on the door and move quickly...GO GO GO!


7. Girls night. Mark has arrived to pick me up but I've a half finished glass of wine......


"No wait! I'm not ready to leave! I'm out, with adults! There's wine"


8. My face when someone tried to tell me I was wrong, I wasn't.


"Erm say what now"


9 Me and Mark, when we thought we were winning at life.


"We got this"


10 Annnnnd when we find out that actually? Maybe we aren't....


"Shit"



When you realise your life is actually like a continual Hunger Games.....




* Not what I actually do in case my manager is reading!!!

Rach x

Saturday, 21 May 2016

25 things I never thought I'd say as a parent

The other night my 9 year old daughter decided she was going to leave home. The reasons for this were outlined to me in a letter (Good layout and use of punctuation actually I was quite impressed)
My failings were mainly that I was 'Silly' and a 'very unreasonable Mum' ; My crimes included:

Not allowing her to have a pet Rabbit - fair enough.

Forgetting her brass instrument for school - Even though she physically had to step over the thing in the hall to get out of the front door, it was all my fault. 

Not allowing her to play out until 'Whenever'

Ride her bike unsupervised on the main road.

Giving her 'ALL' the jobs to do - Now I would understand if we were forcing her to do her own laundry in a bucket, and asking to scrub floors but her list of jobs include putting her crap in the bin, tidying her room and attempting to make her bed.

Someone ring Childline quick it's like something out of a Charles Dickens novel.
So off she stomped down the stairs and into the back garden, stopping and turning around enough times to ensure I got a good look at her backpack, she was sending a signal you see, a backpack means business. I'm not entirely sure sure how far she thought filling it with Lego, various Minecraft crap and a multipack of crisps was going to get her, but it wasn't that far not as she made it to the woodshed. Once settled in though she must have decided that splinters in your bum and the threat of small furry creatures wasn't much fun,, or perhaps it was just because she'd finished her crisps,either way she announced that she was coming back in and I found myself having to shout the following..

"OK. What? NO you can't bloody well bring the Robins Nest in..NO put it BACK"

That's not something I thought I'd hear myself say on an average weekday, or ever actually, and this, along with Facebook Timehop has made me take a look back at all the weird and wonderful things that have come out of my mouth since becoming a parent.

1 "Please don't play your Drum kit on the Bed"  Doesn't sound too bad does it? But she had actually set up the drum kit ON the double bed and was sat perilously close to the edge on her adjustable stool. Accident. Waiting. To. Happen.

2 "Tell your Dad the dogs thrown up his bone on the Drum kit" Drum kit wasn't on the bed though otherwise THAT might have been impressive.

3 "No you can't ride the Dog as a horse....Why? Because you'll hurt yourself that's why...yes I do know best"

4 "Excuse me I think my Daughter needs to see a Doctor. Why? Well she was pretending the dog was a horse in his bed..." 

5 "No I don't know what a Gruffalo pirate looks like, but yes you can be one for your Pirates and Princesses birthday party"

6 "Why is there a worm in your school bag"

7 "Please DON'T drop your Brass instrument in the bath I can't afford to replace it"

8 "Please stop telling people I'm pregnant with Twins"

9 "Please stop telling people you're adopted"

10 "Why is the dog walking around with a blanket around her head? Oh yes she does look a bit like a seal? "



"Dog or Seal who can tell"



11 "Why did Austin and Ally break up again" I was genuinely interested...

12 "Yes I would  love an Orange and Dorito smoothie"

13 "No that isn't the man out of Karate Kid, that's a picture of Grandma"

14 "I'm happy to talk about the planes crashing into the Twin Towers with you, just not as we're descending into Manchester Airport " *This was not said as calmly as I portray here, it was more through gritted teeth and with threats us of getting arrested. 

15 "I'm just texting Nana Jo to tell her we've landed late because we managed to ground the Plane in Madrid" **Not associated with the above either. Yeah the civil aviation authority LOVE us.....

16 "Can you stop riding your Skateboard on the trampoline please"

17 "I don't know why Bananas aren't round"

18 " That baby isn't looking at you funny"

19 " No I'm not rubbing poo on myself it's fake tan"

20 " Yes I'm sure I can find the lady who bought your toy drum at the car boot sale 4 years ago and ask for it back" Followed by quiet mutterings of F*** F*** and F***

21. " Can you help me get the Cats head out the Easter egg box please"***

22 "Yes Elvis did die on the toilet" After being woken at 5 am to ask of this is true

23 " No the dog DID NOT cut the bottoms off your leggings"

24 "Erm we'll talk about what S.E.X means later...." Trying to avoid eye contact with the elderly couple at the next table, in a nice quiet restaurant.

25 "Thank you for writing my Mothers day card on your wardrobe door" 




"Happy Mothers Day" Have a message written in crayon, on the wardrobe. You're welcome



They might not be the sort of things I thought I would say as a parent, but then parenting turned out to be a whole different ball game to the one I imagined in my head anyway and you know, most of the time I wouldn't change it, for the times I would? There is wine.......

Please tell me what weird and wonderful things how come out of your mouths since having kids, I'm surely not alone!


Rach x

* True and caused a lady behind us to exclaim "For F*** sake" loudly which was a bit awkward.
** Don't think we are actually on the no fly list but there's time....
***No animals were harmed in the making of this blog, humiliated slightly but never harmed.....






























Sunday, 8 May 2016

7 things I've learned since starting my blog...

When I first started my blog back in January, it was initially to gain some confidence and experience with writing for an audience,  but to be honest what I really wanted was something that for once, was just for me. Something that didn't include the usual mundane day to day chores like going to work, doing the housework drinking coffee and watching Real Housewives and spending money I don't really have to waste on crap in Primark and W.H.Smith

I also needed something that could take my mind off certain things, that can at times overwhelm me. Blogging, or perhaps it's just been writing in general has most certainly helped.

Some people knit and some like to run, I however, am far too clumsy for knitting and I look like Phoebe from 'Friends' when I attempt anything more than a brisk walk. Other people make things out of twigs, yes twigs that's a thing now apparently, and those are just ones that I've picked at random either. They are from my actual Instagram feed. What I've discovered however, is that blogging as a hobby? Now that divides opinion.

You get the people like me who enjoy reading them and seeing what people get up to each day, yes even the mundane stuff. Then you get those that think they are a waste of time and serve no purpose like my Mother. She only reads my blog if she's mentioned in it, or perhaps it's because she gave me life and feels she has no choice? Either way her portrayal in my Zombie Apocalypse plan did not go down well at all! But as someone who is a self certified worrier I've had to learn pretty fast to give zero F***s when it comes to what other people think. I had a Twitter user on day 2 of publishing my blog inform me (via private message. Wimp) that my blog and I quote "Sucked it's own ass"
Now I could either spend the rest of the evening arguing with a stranger over the Internet, which was tempting let me tell you OR ignore it and move on, and as hard as it was I deleted the message and moved one. Lesson one right there.So what other things have I learnt since starting my blog?

1. It's actually harder work than I thought.

Finding the time can actually be quite difficult. I can't use weekends due to me only getting every other off, so that time is precious family time as are our evenings.
I try to write down in a notepad random topics that have popped into my head - (such as this) and then when I have spare time in the day sit down at my laptop.
Social media is also a big part of blogging, If you want to get your blog 'out there' and lets face it most people do otherwise you'd just keep a diary then you really need to spend time sharing it, interacting with readers and other bloggers, posting it to whichever blogging network you are a part of. It's great to get feedback and to connect with readers but again that is pretty time consuming and I fall far behind in that area.

Thinking of topics can be the hardest part for me. At the start I was concentrating on specific blog topics such as 'Holidays' 'Pregnancy' and  'De-Cluttering' etc but when I found myself one night at 12.30 am spell checking, worrying that it wasn't good enough and that no one would like the subject, Well then it's not fun anymore is it, It's not a hobby it's a job, a job that you aren't even being paid for! So now I blog about whatever pops in my head, my inner ramblings for the world to see. 

My most popular blog to date was "Dear W.H.Smith" and I wrote it in about 15 minutes, Blogs I've spent ages on, spell checked to death, and edited a million times? Not so much. Blogging is a funny old game. 


2. I like to swear.

I don't think I realised how fond I am of well timed curse word until someone mentioned it to me. 
I do not think it makes me sound common as a person suggested, I don't believe I am common, nor am I stupid. If you believe I come across as either of those things due to me littering my blog with truly magnificent swear words such of twat, arse, bloody and knob then rest assured I give literally no shits.

3 I have an unhealthy obsession with Tom Hardy.

Well I mean obviously as he is beautiful.
I have spent a lot of time looking at topless pictures of him on the internet, wondering what it would be like to chew on his bottom lip for a few minutes....let's just think about that for a minute shall we .......*sighs*
However when I went over my blogs a few weeks ago I realised that he pops up in almost every single one. 

When you start thinking about how to incorporate Tom Hardy into your Zombie apocalypse plan, and are considering leaving your pretty sisters behind as they may be a threat? Then yeah it's tipped into an obsession




#obsessed 

Picture from the internet do not sue. Shared with love, a LOT of love.

4. Kids ALWAYS tell the truth.

"My Mum thinks your blog is rubbish" If that has come out of the mouth of babes then you know the Mum does indeed think your blog is rubbish and that is totally fine  It isn't


5 My life REALLY isn't as glamorous or exciting as other blogs out there.

I've said it before but it really isn't. It doesn't matter what filter I whack on my poorly taken pics I just can't make my life something it's not. Don't get me wrong, I love Instagram for the escapism, I like to see pretty cupcakes and elegant home decor but if that's what people are hoping from my blog/Insta feed? They're going to be disappointed. 
For example a lot of the blogs I follow have 'Monthly must haves' where they share a Jo Malone candle, a YSL lipstick and the ootd from Joules/White Company. All set out on a white background, in soft focus with a peony shoehorned in there somehow.

My monthly must haves however would most likely be a Primark candle (smells equally as delicious as Yankee in my opinion and look fab and are £3-£4 so a no brainer) My lipstick is Rosie for Autograph by M&S Camisole blush FYI and ootd is defo either Primark or  H&M. 
The pic would not be flat layed on white bedding either as the cat will be sprawled out all over it licking herself. I often find I get a surge in Instagram followers after a blog, then after a few days of my pics they un-follow once they realise that yes, those badly taken picture really are it. Ouch!

A lot of the blogs out there have beautiful Insta feed I can only dream of aspiring too, I love looking at the pics but for me it just it just isn't relateable, and I can't compete. So I don't.

My personal favourite blogs are Brummymummyof2, Hurrah 4 Gin and Totes innnapropes because they keep it pretty real and are hilarious.


6. Yup everyone can actually read what you put out there on the internet, funny huh? 

I bumped into a friend of my Mum's a few days ago, despite us being friends on Facebook I haven't actually seen her in years. The first thing she mentioned was that she'd been reading my blog and was laughing about the dog blog I don't know why but I was surprised.
Although I know when I post and share on social media that I'm putting it 'out there' for everyone to see, but it still comes as a bit of a shock when people mention they've actually been reading it. Most of my regular readers are from the U.S and Ireland its crazy. It is such a nice feeling too when someone I have never really spoken to before messages me to say they've enjoyed the blog. I've made new friends through it, possibly seriously pissed off a lot of my old friends. Hey at least I'm not littering your social media newsfeed with Juice Plus and Forever Living eh?

It also pretty scary, I question how much of my life I actually should put out there for the world to see but so far the positives have outweighed the negatives.


7  Netflix and Chill doesn't actually mean chilling and watching Netflix.

It means casual sex. Who knew?