4 am
A loud fart wakes me up from my slumber. It could be mine, possibly Mr O's, maybe the wife (who will pass it off as his, obvs) Either way, it alerts them to the fact I've snuck into the bedroom.
Decide it is therefore the perfect time to lick their hands, just to let them know how much I love them, but oddly they don't sound too impressed. They aren't all that impressed when I to to climb onto the bed either so they send me out.
Go into the kids room to lick her hand to tell her how much I love her too, but the cats curled up on the bed giving me evils, I hate the cat. Make a mental note to have a good sniff of her bum later, that'll piss her off
4.15am
I'm awake now so I may as well have a wee whilst I'm at it. Will just make as much noise as I possibly can to alert them to this fact by firstly walking loudly in and out of their bedroom knocking into as many things as I can. When this doesn't work I start whining. When the lazy gits still don't realise I need to go for a wee, RIGHT NOW! I just go downstairs and stand at the back door barking.
Spend some time listening to that them arguing over which one of them gets to come down and let me out, ahhh bless them.
4.17am.
Whilst I'm outside I might just have a nice slow amble around the garden, you know, have a sniff around to see what's changed in the past 5 hours.Nothing. Nothing has changed but I still need to check.
Mr O is standing at the door waiting for me, he's pulling faces but he's not saying anything so I'll just carry on having a good old sniff, and pee on everything I come across. Even If I don't have physically have any pee left in me, I still like to try and squeeze something out.
I do this until Mr O starts jerking his head and saying my name through gritted teeth, waving his hands wildly at me, like some kind of animal. I stand deadly still and look at him blankly wagging my tail, I carry this on until he looks like her may cry, so I take pity on him and come inside.
4.25am
He leaves me in the hall telling me good boy and to "Go get in your bed"
We both know I'll get on the sofa, and then end up in their room. Why we carry on this charade I'll never know....
7.15am
Woken up by Mrs O tripping over me as she gets out of bed. Oh here we go with thepotty mouth! You didn't want me on the bed either so make your mind up love!
Do the trick she loves the best by rushing down the stairs in front of her then stopping dead still in my tracks because I think I've heard something outside. Do this a couple of times, it's fun.
Not for her, but it's fun for me.
7.30am
Eat my breakfast. Keep one eye on what everyone else is eating in case it's better than mine.
Then I stand as close to them as I possibly can, move around under the table and nudge them with my nose in case they can't see that I'm still hungry. Try to lick the toast that's in their hands or off the table if backs are turned. The kid takes pity on me and gives me her crusts, thank goodness was about to regurgitate my breakfast in desperation.
8am
Vigorously lick balls and bum hole for several minutes. Try to lick someones hands or face sharing the love. Get pushed away, quite aggressively. Debate calling the Dogs Trust place we see on TV and makes everyone cry.
8.45am
Kid goes to school, get a big hug from the kid. I love her.
Me and the Kid - I love her.
9.10am
Cat comes downstairs, finally. she's SO lazy. I have a good sniff of her bum as she tries to eat her food, she hisses at me and takes a swipe, she doesn't like to share her food, she is very, very selfish..
Mrs O has mopped the floor so decide that is the perfect time to go outside stand in some mud and walk back in. she mops the floor again. She must like doing it so make mental note to do it again later.
10am
Someone new comes to the house! I greet her at the door by sticking my nose in her lady parts, she laughs although not very enthusiastically and moves away. I take this as an invitation to do it again but with a bit more force this time. She laughs, less enthusiastically.
I notice she is wearing black, black is my my favourite!! I find my golden hairs look best on black clothing, so I ensure I rub myself all over her many, many times until I'm made to "get in my bed" again. I really is we'd stop this talk of 'in my bed' we all know I sleep where I like.
When they are drinking coffee and ignoring me I take this as an invitation to plonk myself in front of them, and roll around as if to show how neglected I am, and in need to be fussed. Eye up the cake, no ones offering me any so I lick it. I like showing them up in front of guests.
Sent out to 'my bed' again, so I sit on it with my penis sticking out and staring at them proudly, making everybody feel really, really uncomfortable.
11am
Locked outside now. So just stare through the window at them instead, Get bored so go and do a poo at the bottom of the garden try and really hope everyone is watching.
Make mental note to lick whatever that puddle was off the patio before I'm let back in.
12pm
Throw up whatever that puddle was off the patio, all over the kitchen floor. Look at it, paw at it, lick it and decide to eat it.
1pm
Vets! YES! I love the vets! I love walking up there sniffing and licking everything I come across.
I love sliding all over the waiting room floor with Mrs O manically shrieking "Good boy Oscar!Sit"
When we all know she has no control over me WHAT. SO.EVER.If I can manage it, I like to try and do just a little pee on the floor.
Get lots of fusses as I'm so cuddly, and fluffy and cute.
Turns out I need more tablets again. No they aren't covered on the insurance. Again. She is asking questions about the cost, so I take this opportunity to look at everyone with my beautiful big brown eyes and wag my tail, so everyone thinks she's a heartless bitch who doesn't love me.
Mrs O has a little tear in her eye and she's gone a bit of a white colour as she's paying, maybe she needs a vet too. I particularly enjoy watching Mrs O try to keep her cool in there, when we all know she's secretly wanting to lose her shit.
Get home have a treat, eat what is left over in the cats bowl and have a snooze.
2pm
Mrs O is upstairs making the bed, Oh new bedding you say? Get down you say? Well just you wait lady because once your ass is at school pick up I'm going to make that bed my bitch.
3.05pm
Wake up from nap in 'my bed' no-ones at home so go upstairs and roll all over the new bedding, and indeed, make it my bitch.
4pm
Kids at home having a snack and she gives me some, winner!
5pm
Kid gives me a new ball, I run around and around in circles for several minutes and wag my tail for a very long time because I just bloody love balls! Drop the ball at her feet, she throws it. Drop the ball at her feet, she throws it. Never gets boring this game!
6pm
I don't always sit underneath the table as they eat tea and fart loudly, but when I do? It's when they have company.
8pm
Everyone sat down, watching TV? Good. I want to go out.
8.02pm
I want to come in
8.03pm
Cats gone out? I want to follow her but apparently they are "Sick of this" so I am not allowed.
8.15pm
Kid cuddles me before bed and gives me my treat, she's given me about 10 since she finished school but the parents don't know that so I just eat each one like it's the best thing I have ever tasted and 'shake paws' she loves this game. I love the kid.
9pm
Kids in bed asleep and I go in to tell her how much I love her, Cats on bed, I weigh up my chances and lick kids hand. Cat turns her back on me in disgust so I niff cats bum, cat scratches me. Whatever,. Worth it.
9.15pm
Go for a walk with Mr O. I could have a poo at any point really but nah I wait until I'm outside someones front door and do it then, like to try and time it just as they're coming out as well.
Will try and catch their eye as I'm doing it try and make it more awkward if at all possible.
Also like to try and pull away to sniff something as Mr O's picking it up too.
9.45pm
Tied up outside the Co-Op so try and mount the dog that's next to me, get all tangled up in the leads and yelp until Mr O rescues me.
Stop and sniff every single thing on the way home.
10.05pm
Mrs O lets me watch TV next to her on the sofa. This is nice...oh right the wines open.....start to lick bum hole, mine not hers FYI! So made to get down.
11pm
They are going to bed, they open the back door so I can go for a wee but I'm comfy in 'my bed' so I just look at them blankly as if I don't understand.
11.05pm
Everyone goes to bed.
12.15pm
Go upstairs but the cats on stairs and the bitch won't let me pass, she'll just stare me out for hours, we've been here before so I just start barking loudly as if we are under attack. Hear swearing and heavy footsteps, cat still on stairs so Mrs O stands on her tail as she's making her way down to me.
Cat screeches and runs off, Mrs O swears and I walk past her to sleep on the landing.
Swearing and dark mutterings continues form her for a bit, like I said, total potty mouth.
1am
You know what, I think I need a wee after all....
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