It's not like I sat down at 7 pm last night, and expected to hear "Ta -dah Lockdown is over, and may the odds be forever in your favour!" I'm not an idiot. I was just left feeling, deflated. I think,
I just needed to hear after 8 weeks of lockdown, a glimmer of hope that's all, and its OK to say that, and not feel guilty about it isn't it? To want to see some semblance of our old lives on the horizon....
However, guilty is exactly how I felt when I went online afterwards.
I felt guilty for not jumping for joy that things,are pretty much as they have been, for us anyway, for the foreesable future For not cheering at the thought of another extended period of time away from my friends and family, for our old lives to not appear on the horizon just yet after all/
I miss my old life, It was bloody ace and I moaned, too much, I promise I never will again
I miss our families,I can't wait to have my Mum here and talk over the ENTIRE film, so that it last 4 hours instead of 2 as we have to keep pausing it. I will go and hug my Sister, and Step Mum, Aunt and In Laws who are just around the corner, when I can, and not think I'll see them next week..as next week a global pandemic might mean you can't.
I miss days out and making plans.
I miss our friends, I miss hugging them when I see them, and drinking wine and putting the world to rights over a cramped pub table with food, and I don't care if that makes me shallow.
I miss our hobbies, OK a dash around Primark isn't a hobby but it should be.
I will miss my holiday, and I care not about how shallow that makes me either
I miss special celebrations, bloody Mothers day, and my birthday in lcokdown,No.
It doesn't matter how much wine you throw at me in the garden, it doesn't make it a nice day out and a nice meal I didn't have to cook!
I hate that my daughter is separated from her friends,from playing out with them. Waving at them through a window, makes it feel like they've being held hostage lets face it. They have none of their normal day to day activities, potentially for a few more months yet.
And you know what, it's OK to miss those things. It's OK to say "You know what I'm finding this tough today, or even this week....". Saying that doesn't make me a bad person, It doesn't make YOU a bad person if you feel like that sometimes too.
It doesn't mean we don't know that what we're doing is for the greater good, or that we aren't supporting our NHS and saving lives. It doesn't mean you want Great Aunt Mildred to get Covid 19.
It just makes us human.
Life is hard enough sometimes, without an unknown deadly virus to come along and fuck it all up.
So I guess what i'm saying is it's great if you're doing well you're enjoying this unexpected time at home with your families, you're enjoying home school, and lie ins and are enjoying this new normal.
It's also OK if you're not.
I know i'm lucky, I have my health, my families health. I have time to be at home with my daughter, have time to home school, even though my Ofsted rating IS apparently piss poor.
I love my husbands company, even if he' doing my head in, and my daughters when she graces us with her presence!
I love where we live, our garden, my friends, group chats, netflix, amazon prime and wine, obvs.
I also love TikTok. Not even sorry about it.
So yes, last night I had a bit of a wobble, went to bed rather sulky and watched Sex and The Ciry as I clearly hadn't tortured myself enough......
I've woken up today, pulled my big girl pants on and today will be a better day.
I just thought I'd document how i'm feeling here, as someone else might feel he same, and find it helpful, or not.
Also, so that one day when this is all over, and it will be over, I can revisit it and appreciate the fact that I got though this, we all did. Hopefully healthy, and sane and not a raging alcoholic