Let me start off by saying that I absolutely LOVE Christmas, it really is my favourite time of year.
I love decorating the Christmas tree, the Christmas films and Christmas carols, I love visits to Santa's grotto, and browsing the Christmas markets. Markets where you find yourself forking out £4 for a cup of mulled wine that you don't even like, but drink anyway because hey it's festive!
I love the old Christmas traditions that we have, such as a family walk down to Eccleston village where we grew up, and new PJ's on Christmas Eve.
To new family traditions such as Christmas Eve boxes, tracking Santa, and our family and friends getting together on Christmas Eve in the local pub, then going home to leave a baileys out for Santa and a carrot for Rudolph.
Oh, and how could I forget a Christmas Baileys? You can't put up the Christmas tree in our house without a Christmas film on the TV, and a big glass of Baileys it's the festive law. Also, another thing I never drink at any other time of year, but for some reason must have at Christmas!
I try to do everything I can to make it special, and put a huge amount of pressure on myself to try and make it 'perfect' for everyone. Why I do that? Well that's probably a therapy session I can't afford right now because, you know it's Christmas.....
So bearing all this in mind, you might find it surprising that there's one thing I just can't get on board with.
Elf On The Shelf.
I know, I know! This possibly makes me a terrible parent as it seems most people LOVE him, and really enjoy doing it. I get that he brings a lot of wonder and magic to children, especially to the little ones, who must wake up in anticipation each morning to see what mischief he's been up to.
I just find the idea of him, a bit, well creepy, here's why.
1. He's not heard of or spoken of ALL year, then he just turns up unannounced on the 1st of December, to stay in your home all month. Bit rude if you ask me.
Hello! I'm here to be an annoying little t*** for the next 24 days!
2 He's a toy that comes to life at night. Now that might have worked out OK in Toy Story, but there's also this guy.
And I know which one Elfie remind of, and it's not Woody, or Mr Potato Head.
3. He is there to basically silently judge you and your parenting.,and then report it all back to the North Pole, I don't know about you but do I really want Elf telling Santa that Mummy had a nervous breakdown at 11 pm whilst making a nativity costume? Or that Mummy drank maybe a bit too much Baileys whilst re arranging all the xmas tree decorations? No, No I don't.
Yeah, well don't judge me you creepy little tattle tale!
4. He's a pretty poor house guest.
He contributes nothing to the running of the house, or any stimulating conversation. Yet he vandalises your house and craps in random places. So not that much different to having a toddler, or a cat really
It was the cat. Honest.
5. He's a hypocrite.
He's fine to trash the house, and get up to all sorts of naughty behaviour yet if the kids do it he reports them to Santa!
Let's face it if you came down and the kids did this? They'd be in the shit.
6. He is high maintenance.
You see, the Elf doesn't just sit on the shelf, no, he has to be found in some really interesting and inventive (also known as time consuming) places each day. As if it's not a busy enough time of year anyway, with day's filled with the school run, work, doing the food shop. Buying presents, wrapping presents. Christmas fayres and nativity's. You also have to find the time to scroll through pinterest looking for 24 clever Elf ideas and hating yourself.
Great. Just got to find the time today to dry this little shit before tonight's fun and games start....
7. And what if you've gotten into bed, and you've forgotten to move the bloody thing?
8. He's basically a smiling dictator there to scare your kids into behaving, or he'll take his creepy ass back to the North Pole and tell Santa not to bring them any presents. Elves aren't creepy dictators! They are like Buddy from 'Elf', or Patch from 'Santa Clause The Movie'!
9. If left in the wrong hands Elf could cause some serious psychological damage.
10. Despite all this, if my daughter didn't find him just as creepy as I did, then you can guarantee I'd be on pinterest til the early hours looking for ideas, and documenting his every move on facebook.