Wednesday, 29 November 2017

We Need To Talk About The Elf....

Firstly, I just want to make it clear that I absolutely LOVE Christmas, it really is my favourite time of year.

I love everything about it, from decorating the Christmas tree, filling the house with gingerbread scented candles, and strings of fairy lights. Choosing and wrapping presents, ALL the Christmas films, but especially the rubbish made for TV ones on Netflix! Festive food and drink and browsing Christmas markets. Markets where you find yourself forking out £4 for a cup of mulled wine that you don't even like, but drink anyway because hey it's festive!

I love the Christmas traditions that we have continued from when I was a child, like a family walk, new P's and watching 'It's A Wonderful Life' To the new traditions hat we have formed; such as Christmas Eve boxes, 'Tracking Santa' and our family and friends getting together in the local pub. Before walking home to put a carrot out for Rudolph, and a glass of Baileys for Father Christmas.

Oh how could I forget a Christmas Baileys? You can't put up the Christmas tree in our house without a Christmas film on the TV, and a big glass of Baileys it's the festive law. Another thing I never drink at any other time of year, but for some reason must have at Christmas!

I try to do everything I can to make it special, and put a huge amount of pressure on myself to try and make it  'perfect'  for everyone. Why I do that? Well that's probably a therapy session I can't afford right now because, you know it's Christmas.....

However there's one thing I just can't get on board with.

The Elf On The Shelf.

I know, I know! This possibly makes me a terrible parent as it seems most people LOVE him, and really enjoy doing it, and I get that to younger children especially, he must bring great excitement every morning seeing what mischief he's been up to.

Not this much, hopefully.

I just find the idea of him, a bit, well creepy, here's why.

1. He is not heard or spoken of ALL year, then he just turns up unannounced on the 1st of December. Expecting to stay in your home for 24 days silently monitoring your children. Ok then...

Hello! I'm here to be an annoying little t*** for the next 24 days!

2 He is a doll. That comes to life at night. Now that might have worked out OK in Toy Story, but then there's also this guy.

And I know which one 'Elfy' reminds me of, and it's not Buzz or woody that's for sure.

3. He is there to basically judge you and your parenting, and then report it all back to the North Pole, I don't know about you but do I really want Elf telling Santa that Mummy had a nervous breakdown at 11 pm whilst making a nativity costume? Or that Mummy drank maybe a bit too much Baileys whilst re-arranging all the xmas tree decorations? No, No I don't.

Don't judge my third Baileys you little snitch.!

4. He's a pretty poor house guest.
He contributes nothing to the running of the house, or offers any interesting conversation, yet he vandalises your house and craps in random places. So not that much different to having a toddler, or a cat really

It was the cat. Honest.

5. He's a complete hypocrite.
He's fine to trash the house, and get up to all sorts of naughty behaviour yet if the kids do it he reports them to Santa!

Let's face it if you came down and the kids did this? They'd be trouble.

6. He is really high maintenance.
You see, the Elf doesn't just sit on the shelf does he? No, he has to be found in some really interesting and inventive (also known as time consuming) places each day. As if it's not a busy enough time of year anyway, with day's filled with the school run, work, doing the food shop. Buying presents, wrapping presents. Christmas fayres and nativity's. Now, you also have to find the time to scroll through Pinterest looking for 24 clever Elf on the Shelf ideas and hating yourself.

Great. Just got to find the time today to dry this little shit before tonight's fun and games start....

7. And the feeling when you've gotten into bed, and you've forgotten to move the bloody thing..


8.  He's basically a smiling dictator there to scare your kids into behaving, or he'll take his creepy ass back to the North Pole and tell Santa not to bring them any presents. Elves aren't meant to be creepy dictators! They are supposed to be like Buddy from 'Elf'!

9. If left in the wrong hands Elf could cause some serious psychological damage.

10. Despite all of this, if my daughter didn't find him just as creepy as I did, then you can guarantee I'd be on Pinterest until the early hours of the morning. Looking for ideas and documenting his every move on Instagram, and just hoping the Elf really didn't judge how many Baileys you had re-arranging the Christmas tree decorations....


Pics sourced from T'Internet

1 comment:

  1. usual....brilliant!! DEFFO coming around to yours for Xmas, though if you tell me when you're doing your Eccleston walk, I'll be here with the necessary sustenance