Thursday, 31 August 2017

How Not To Vlog


So, despite S's best intentions to vlog our summer holiday this year, it just didn't happen.

I had watched a lot of these holiday vlogs when she announced her new hobby, and at first I was happy to get involved. This is the first time in 10 years that our daughter has shown any nerves with regards to flying, so I wanted to alleviate them quickly before it escalated.

And believe me, it could of escalated. This is a girl who,after hearing a story in school about someone getting trapped in a lift, has steadfastly refused to step foot in one for  over 3 years. Yes, even at Covent Garden tube station. Where there are 193 steps equivalent to a TEN story building. S gave zero shits, she buggered off ahead, Mark got the lift and I was pretty sure I passed out for a brief moment half way to the top.

You see the problem with this 'vlogging' malarky is that your family needs to be relatively normal in order to to do it, and we're not. It's not that we don't try, boy do we try, but I think it's just time to accept that we're far from your average family, especially when it comes to holidays.

I mean grounding an outbound flight to Alicante in Madrid 5 years ago over a spilt cup of tea should have taught me that.

Yes this happened.

What about the time the hire car got stolen in Spain? On my birthday too naturally, and I spent the whole day waiting in for forensics to come to the villa and do a full blown CSI investigation. How the Guardia laughed and laughed when my husband told them this (in a station 2 towns away via a hastily hired translator)

Getting stung by Jellyfish in the Bahamian sea, and crying at the lifeguard asking if he was going to pee on me - he didn't

A four hour train journey with a colicky baby.

Imagine vlogging all of that?
.
Also these vlogging families, they all have grandparents and husbands who are able to take excellent pictures of them to post all over social media.

This is what happens when I ask someone to take a picture of us..



See?

So to prove how rubbish we would be at vlogging anyway here's some of the types of footage that may have ended up on my daughter's Youtube channel.


1. Despite the fact that I know I have checked everyone in online, and am holding the actual boarding passes in my hand. I spend the 50 minute queue to check the hold luggage, worrying that I didn't do it properly and trying to log in to the Easyjet account with the airports shit wi fi.


2. Knowing full well that I haven't packed any guns, crack or fireworks in my suitcase, I wonder if I've been targeted as some sort of shit drug mule and am unwittingly carrying all three.

"Any restricted items in your hold luggage Madam"


"Erm..."

3. I check that I have everyone's passports and boarding passes  approximately 67 times since arriving at the airport, but when I ACTUALLY need them can I lay my hands them? Nope.

4. My Mum comes away with us every year, every year she gets stopped at security for carrying hand cream and liquids that she will have insisted she doesn't have.
This year she surpassed herself, no liquids, no gel, no hand cream just a f*** off pair of kitchen scissors she forgotten she had in there She needed them last time she came to stay with us apparently, as our's are rubbish. She told this loudly to the girl checking her bag, as if it was all somehow my fault.

5. Each year we hope the villa/apartment etc won't have anyone staying next door so we don't have to pretend to be a nice (quiet) normal family with Grandmothers that aren't actively looking to get arrested by airport security. Every year we step out that first morning and greeted to this......


We're not THAT bad, Honestly...

6. What I like to think I look like coming out of the sea... 



The reality is I look more like this...




7. I'd say 80 per cent of the holiday is spent making sure everyone else has enough sun lotion on/wearing  hat/not drowning in the pool or sea.


8. The other 20 per cent is basically spent thinking about wine and food and how much of it I can consume in two weeks.


Quite a lot it turns out


9. Each year I vow not to hand out what feels like 234 euros on those machines that produce tat like bouncy balls and out of date pringles, and endless slushies.
Obviously each year I spend about 234 euros doing just that.

.



10. Fun fact, I like the IDEA of the beach, I just don't like the reality of the beach. Everyone else seems so organised, with their cool boxes and chairs, and windbreakers and brollies. Smug b*****s
Sod that we say! We'll spend 25 Euros on sunbeds instead to avoid sitting on sand (which still ends up inside every orrifce) 47 euros on ice creams and drinks like bloody idiots and spend about an hour there before leaving.

Posting a beach selfie first though


#blessed


11. You take 4000 pictures of everyone else but the only ones of you are hastily taken selfies.




12. You spent about a week ironing, rolling and packing everything perfectly.
Coming home? Not so much




Maybe I will start vlogging it?

I mean do you get minor anxiety attacks, loud screechy parenting and pissed off neighbours with the Kardashians?

Exactly.

Oh wait.....

Rach

x



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