Friday, 15 July 2016

Note to self, it's your fault, all of it.

I didn't get the memo when I got up this morning that everything between the hours of 7.30 and 8.50 would be my fault, and yes I do mean everything.
The fact it wasn't sunny. My fault.
The fact my husband went to work this morning with her football in the boot of his car. My fault.
The fact I didn't telepathically know she wanted to take it to school today and took it out of the car last night for her. My fault.
The dog farted. My fault.
She has a cold. My fault.
No frubes left?!!! (That was my fault I forgot to buy them, I'll give her that one)
The fact that we were running late for school because she decided to throw a massive strop about the bloody football. My fault.

She hates being late for school, she doesn't like feeling rushed as it makes her feel anxious and she just worries about everything then, Will she have anyone to play with if he doesn't have the ball?
We always have the same little routine when we get to the school, it's her comfort blanket if you like where we kiss (on the lips shock horror) and have a hug, but my heart just wasn't in it this morning she had just been so awful.
I had to call in at the office afterwards and as I caught a glimpse of her I felt so bloody rubbish, came home and sobbed. I feel utterly crap about myself now because I shouted when I should have done what all good parenting books/good parents do and "ignore ignore ignore". See that's my fault too.
It's easy to say don't worry about it, she'll be fine by now. I know she will be deep down but it doesn't change how I feel right now. For now I'll just accept that for the next few years everything will probably be my fault, I'm not going to be surprised or disappointed then, I can be prepared and the next time?
I might just get it right.

So shout out to all Mum whose fault it always is, who don't always get things right, and shout out to the Mums whose fault it never is, who always get it right. Don't judge me, please, don't judge her for the snap shot you see, I promise I'm doing my best and tomorrow I might be better.

Thank god its Friday.

Rach x

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