Saturday, 21 May 2016

25 things I never thought I'd say as a parent

The other night my 9 year old daughter decided she was going to leave home. The reasons for this were outlined to me in a letter (Good layout and use of punctuation actually I was quite impressed)
My failings were mainly that I was 'Silly' and a 'very unreasonable Mum' ; My crimes included:

Not allowing her to have a pet Rabbit - fair enough.

Forgetting her brass instrument for school - Even though she physically had to step over the thing in the hall to get out of the front door, it was all my fault. 

Not allowing her to play out until 'Whenever'

Ride her bike unsupervised on the main road.

Giving her 'ALL' the jobs to do - Now I would understand if we were forcing her to do her own laundry in a bucket, and asking to scrub floors but her list of jobs include putting her crap in the bin, tidying her room and attempting to make her bed.

Someone ring Childline quick it's like something out of a Charles Dickens novel.
So off she stomped down the stairs and into the back garden, stopping and turning around enough times to ensure I got a good look at her backpack, she was sending a signal you see, a backpack means business. I'm not entirely sure sure how far she thought filling it with Lego, various Minecraft crap and a multipack of crisps was going to get her, but it wasn't that far not as she made it to the woodshed. Once settled in though she must have decided that splinters in your bum and the threat of small furry creatures wasn't much fun,, or perhaps it was just because she'd finished her crisps,either way she announced that she was coming back in and I found myself having to shout the following..

"OK. What? NO you can't bloody well bring the Robins Nest in..NO put it BACK"

That's not something I thought I'd hear myself say on an average weekday, or ever actually, and this, along with Facebook Timehop has made me take a look back at all the weird and wonderful things that have come out of my mouth since becoming a parent.

1 "Please don't play your Drum kit on the Bed"  Doesn't sound too bad does it? But she had actually set up the drum kit ON the double bed and was sat perilously close to the edge on her adjustable stool. Accident. Waiting. To. Happen.

2 "Tell your Dad the dogs thrown up his bone on the Drum kit" Drum kit wasn't on the bed though otherwise THAT might have been impressive.

3 "No you can't ride the Dog as a horse....Why? Because you'll hurt yourself that's why...yes I do know best"

4 "Excuse me I think my Daughter needs to see a Doctor. Why? Well she was pretending the dog was a horse in his bed..." 

5 "No I don't know what a Gruffalo pirate looks like, but yes you can be one for your Pirates and Princesses birthday party"

6 "Why is there a worm in your school bag"

7 "Please DON'T drop your Brass instrument in the bath I can't afford to replace it"

8 "Please stop telling people I'm pregnant with Twins"

9 "Please stop telling people you're adopted"

10 "Why is the dog walking around with a blanket around her head? Oh yes she does look a bit like a seal? "

"Dog or Seal who can tell"

11 "Why did Austin and Ally break up again" I was genuinely interested...

12 "Yes I would  love an Orange and Dorito smoothie"

13 "No that isn't the man out of Karate Kid, that's a picture of Grandma"

14 "I'm happy to talk about the planes crashing into the Twin Towers with you, just not as we're descending into Manchester Airport " *This was not said as calmly as I portray here, it was more through gritted teeth and with threats us of getting arrested. 

15 "I'm just texting Nana Jo to tell her we've landed late because we managed to ground the Plane in Madrid" **Not associated with the above either. Yeah the civil aviation authority LOVE us.....

16 "Can you stop riding your Skateboard on the trampoline please"

17 "I don't know why Bananas aren't round"

18 " That baby isn't looking at you funny"

19 " No I'm not rubbing poo on myself it's fake tan"

20 " Yes I'm sure I can find the lady who bought your toy drum at the car boot sale 4 years ago and ask for it back" Followed by quiet mutterings of F*** F*** and F***

21. " Can you help me get the Cats head out the Easter egg box please"***

22 "Yes Elvis did die on the toilet" After being woken at 5 am to ask of this is true

23 " No the dog DID NOT cut the bottoms off your leggings"

24 "Erm we'll talk about what S.E.X means later...." Trying to avoid eye contact with the elderly couple at the next table, in a nice quiet restaurant.

25 "Thank you for writing my Mothers day card on your wardrobe door" 

"Happy Mothers Day" Have a message written in crayon, on the wardrobe. You're welcome

They might not be the sort of things I thought I would say as a parent, but then parenting turned out to be a whole different ball game to the one I imagined in my head anyway and you know, most of the time I wouldn't change it, for the times I would? There is wine.......

Please tell me what weird and wonderful things how come out of your mouths since having kids, I'm surely not alone!

Rach x

* True and caused a lady behind us to exclaim "For F*** sake" loudly which was a bit awkward.
** Don't think we are actually on the no fly list but there's time....
***No animals were harmed in the making of this blog, humiliated slightly but never harmed.....

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