Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Why it's OK to give yourself a high 5 Now and then.

I come across as quite a confident and outgoing character, Mr O upon meeting me for the first time described me as being " Loud, cocky and well spoken" I must have been pissed as I always get 'posher' once pissed for some reason.
Despite that not being the most flattering of character descriptions, I do think it sums me up pretty well. I always smile, I chat to strangers, in a polite way not a creepy way I hope! I crack jokes, I'm opinionated and yes I am pretty loud, I don't even mind standing in front of an audience - in a former life I used to act and I was a model something I rarely ever talk about, and that is mainly because I worry people will look at me now and think WTAF Did you eat your former self ??

Well I'm going to let you in on a secret I'm actually not that confident or outgoing at all, I just fake it til I make it, If I see you I will smile and say a big "HELLO" we'll have a chat, I'll crack a joke and then I will probably come away and go over it, and over it and over it. Generally coming to the conclusion that A) Oh my god what if they HATE me or B) Why did I make that joke did I offend them? Why am I such a twat?
I'm also pretty insecure about myself, especially about how I look (totally superficial I know)
I worry far too much about everything including what people think of me, I constantly worry if I'm getting it right or getting it wrong ESPECIALLY when it comes to the minefield that is being a parent. We're on a bit of a journey with our daughter at the moment, I know I've alluded to things in previous posts and I'm sorry if it sounds like a 'Facebook hun' status and by this I mean;

Rachel is feeling: Sad (insert sad emoji or maybe a crying emoji for effect)
Cue twenty comments all saying things like "aww whats up hun" "You OK hun"
Rachel: Can't say sorry...

Oh piss off! It just gives me the rage! So I am sorry that it not what I want this to be (see I told you I'm a worrier ) but right now we don't know where we are with it all and it's not just my story to tell so let's for the time being call it what it is, a journey. This journey has knocked my already shaky-fakey (So going to patent that) confidence, It's made me questions choices I've made, decisions we've made and it's been pretty overwhelming to be honest. So what's the best thing to do when you feel like that? Erm you put your life on the Internet. Obviously! In all seriousness, late last year when we started this 'Journey' God that does sound twatty! I started reading lots of blogs and watching vlogs, not on one particular subject either, eventually I watched them on anything! I loved them, I found them both funny and helpful, I remember thinking to myself "I could do that" 
The online creative writing course I had just finished reminded me of how much I loved to write, and and you know what I was actually OK at it. You had to post your work for honest analysis but I used a fake name (wimp) Every time I posted something I would fret and worry and check the comments every five minutes, OK every five seconds, but you know what? No one told me my work was complete and utter crap like I'd convinced myself they would. No-one said they made them howl laughing or make them want to throw their laptop out of window in disgust. I'm sure as hell my work wasn't going to win any awards, but people seemed to enjoy them. So my confidence grew and I gave myself an internal high 5.

What smashing it looks like, apparently.

So I decided to blog myself, I hate the phrase Mum blogger as it just sounds so naff, but I'm a Mum and I blog so I'm not sure what other 'blogger' title I could give myself? If I was a lion tamer I'd surely blog about that wouldn't I? And no doubt have a far catchier blogger name than mrsrachelokelly that's for sure! I literally sat looking at my first draft for hours before I pressed send, and then I deleted it, then I posted it again. It's not going to win my any prizes, or make me a fortune, or make Tom Hardy fall in love with me *weeps*  Some people are no doubt sick of seeing it in the newsfeed of social media (SOOOOORRRYY) but a lot of people have been reading it, and all over the world, mainly the U.S and Ireland, it feels quite nice.

Then a few weeks ago my friend asked me if I would Interview The Lord Mayor of Chester for him, now I haven't done anything like this since University. The last interview I did was for a crappy student play and we drank tequila shots and one of the 'actors' (and I use the term loosely) tried to snog me. This was definitely out of my comfort zone, but strangely I found myself accepting his offer.
I researched, I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed that part, I compiled a list of questions and I thought my friend would laugh at them but he didn't, he liked them all. He wanted to use them. When we went to meet the Mayor I was convinced I would be 'found out'  somehow and escorted from Council HQ, "Ahhh your the Mum who Blogs please leave you fraud" but that didn't happen.
We met the Mayor, we chatted, I interviewed him, I enjoyed it and I did OK. Actually no bollocks to that, they said I was good. I rarely ever pat myself on the back, or give myself credit. I never post on social media  and say" Hey look how I ROCK at this" or " I am winning at life" I mainly like to laugh at myself and point out the negatives, it's a defense mechanism a therapist would no doubt say. 

Asking the Mayor for a selfie may have blown my cover.

I blogged last week about my Mum fails, those days when you have a wobble and feel like you are pretty crap at work, at parenting and even hair. On other days? You know what on other days you meet the Mayor, you interview the Mayor, and you write something that people will read. That day I smashed it, go me. So let's all agree on something shall we, the next time we have a wobble that's OK let's have a wobble. Dust yourself down, tomorrows a new day. Those day's you smash it? Pat yourself on the back, congratulate yourself,. Shout it out! No-one is going to pull you down, or laugh at you, and if they do? Who cares! Because today you smashed it give yourself an internal high 5! To celebrate have some wine and lust over topless Tom Hardy pics on your phone whilst pretending to watch a film with your husband, oh that was me.....

Rachel x

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